The Song of Ruth

 In my extensive travels in the Middle East, I met many unusual characters, but none more so than the old mystic I befriended in the desert region south of D'Kabeer. At our parting, he thrust an ancient manuscript in my hand and urged me to see that the story it contained came to light. It took me many years to translate the document, as it was written in the lost Q'ab language, which uses only 7 letters and 4 symbols, but I'm certain that I have captured the spirit, if not the essence of the document. Interestingly, it appears to be a fragment that retells the story of Ruth. It begins in mid-sentence.

...day Naomi says to Ruth, “Desperate times call for desperate measures; here’s what we’re going to do. You get all spiffed up – wear that little black number you wore at the wedding rehearsal. Oh, and use the good frankincense. Tonight I want you to go down to the threshing floor – it’s been a good year for Boaz and the party has been going on for a week. But being a respectable woman and all, don’t do what the saloon-hall girls from town do and show up when the party is first getting started. You wait until Boaz has had a lot to drink and can’t stay on his feet anymore, and when he sacks out on the cold, hard threshing floor you make your move.”

And Ruth, being the upright and honorable girl she is does what her mother-in-law tells her to, and when the lights are out, slips under the covers at Boaz’s feet. In the middle of the night, she says “Knock Knock.”
    Boaz is startled awake and he says, “Who’s there?”
    “Ruth.”
    “Ruth who?”
    “Ruth who is willing to marry you if you like what you see. I mean, if you think that’s a good idea.”
    Boaz says, “Halleluiah, my prayers have been answered. Look what I found in my bed!”
    And Ruth says, “You know, it’s a little chilly down here, Boaz. Mind sharing some of that blanket?”
    And Boaz, says, “Sure. You being a respectable woman and all that, just crawl under the covers here. We’ll have a prayer session and discuss improving local outreach, or what we can do to help community relations.”
 
So this respectable pair spends the night in chaste prayer and meditation, and just before it gets light, Boaz says, “Being a respectable woman and all that, you might want to slip out the back so no one sees you and gets the wrong idea about what we’ve been doing here. Oh, and before you go, here’s six measures of barley for your mother-in-law and tell her, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” So Ruth, being a respectable woman and all, slips out the back and pretends she’s coming home from an all-night Tupperware party.

Meanwhile, Boaz is thinking, “I’m in a bit of a pickle here. What if Achmed the Closest Relative wants to marry Ruth, and seeing as how I just spent the night with her in prayer and meditation, I might have some ‘splainin to do. Let’s see, I think I’ve got an idea.”
 
So Boaz beats it to the city gate and he’s there waiting for Achmed the Closest Relative when he comes into town for his morning Latte.
    “Achmed, old pal, old, buddy, old relative of mine! Take a load off and let me tell you what’s up. You know that land that belonged to Elimalech and his boys, may they rest in peace? You know, the creek-front property overlooking the community wine press? Well, Naomi wants to liquidate and she sent me to tell you, seeing as how you are the Closest Relative and all.”
    “Naomi wants to sell? She hasn’t said anything to me about it. I didn’t see a ‘For Sale’ sign when I passed by there this morning.”
    “No, no. This just came up last night. So she sent me to tell you, being the Closest Relative and all.”
    Achmed is thinking to himself, You know, I could subdivide that, or better yet, wait a few years and flip it for 10 times what I paid.  “I’ll buy it!” he says.
    “Good,” says Boaz. “Naomi will be happy to hear that. Oh, and there is one other thing, but of course I don’t have to tell you about the Law and that Moabite woman.”
    “What are you talking about?”
    “You know. If you buy the land then the Moabite woman comes with it. You know, the woman who grew up worshiping strange gods and has allegiances to who knows who? But that shouldn’t be a problem for you. And there is that matter of course, of her sons becoming your heirs.”
    “Uh, you know Bo, the truth of the matter is I’ve already got my will made out, and you know how expensive those suckers are to change. Plus, there’s likely to squabbling among the kids when I’m gone, what with some of them being half – well, you know. Now that I think about it, I think this might be a better deal for you than me.”
    “Really? You think so?”
    “Yeah, you go ahead and make the deal.”
    “Well, if you really think that’s what you want to do. Let me just ask these ten elders I conveniently have standing around here. Help me out guys. Did you hear what he said?”
    And all the elders said, “He said, no, Bo.”

At that Achmed has his shoe off so fast that he nearly lost a fingernail and slapped the shoe in Boaz ’s hand and shouted, “Deal!” And off goes Achmid, hippity-hop, one shoe on and one shoe off thinking what a close call that was! Meanwhile Boaz sets off to find his blushing bride-to-be, and in due time the happy couple named their first-born son Obed, which has no relationship to where his Daddy first got to know his Mommy really well, and Naomi got a tee-shirt that said “Ask me about my grandbaby” and started carrying a pocket full of photos, and all the neighbors said, “You know, somehow this reminds me of Tamar and Judah, but that all turned out well, and we hope this does too. Mozeltov, you guys. Mozeltov.”