Monday Meanderings - 03.28.2011

Went by the Event Center to pick up Barb's Capitol 10K packet. Yes, she has signed up again. No, she is not running again. She's in it to support Meals on Wheels and to get the tee shirt. I must admit it was pretty intimidating to see all the fit, buff, trim people coming in to get their packets. I kept wanting to say, "Just waiting on my wife. She's the triathlete."

Barb saw a tee shirt while there. It read, "I know I run like a girl. Try to keep up."

I've been working on taxes off and on the last couple of weeks. I use the wine-and-cheese approach; I rough it in, let it age and come back later and work with the details. More aging and checking of details and by this time I know if I'm going to have a party - Quelle Frommage! - or hit the bottle. Looks like a party this year. Early in our marriage, Barb did the taxes. One year she initially told me we were good, then on that particular April 14 she came to bed after a final, get-ready-to-file check and said, "I added when I should have subtracted and we owe $2,000 in taxes." Whereupon, message delivered,  she turned over and went to sleep.  I, on the other hand...

Have you seen the Subaru commercial where the dad is giving his daughter a lengthy string of driving instructions before she takes off in the car? From his perspective she's 4 or 5 years old, and that's how the commercial shows her initially. Finally the little girl tires of the instructions and cuts him off with a "Daaaady!" The inflection is perfect and every father recognizes it. Barb says, "It's in the genes. All girls, regardless of age, have the 'Daaaady!' down perfectly."

There was an item on the news this week about classes being held for "Pole Dancing for Jesus." That is wrong on so many levels I can't even begin to tell you what I think. Yes, it's on Youtube and I regret telling you even that much.

After a lengthy period of no blooms, but a dozen air-roots produced, there is at last a new bloom spike on the orchid. Exciting!

Under the topic "Mixed Messages," Barb gets really hacked off when birds come and sit on her current banner. Can you see why the birds might feel welcome? Can you see why Barb gets hostile?

The Great Power Outage of Ought-Eleven!

Wednesday morning was filled with Dr appointments and Greek class and such and it was about 1:30 when we finished lunch and headed for the house - to find that the power had just gone out!

Later we leaned that a big semi had turned into our subdivision, hooked some low-hanging wires, pulled them down and a power pole with them, setting the power pole on fire in the process. In other words, a big, going to take a while to fix this mess kind of mess. A long while.

Barb went to a couple of appointments while I sat out on the patio in an attempt to catch a breeze and tried to read. Tried, because my appointment had been with the eye doctor. I'll blog about that later, if I can find some euphemistic way to say "poke in the eye with a sharp stick", which I'm pretty sure you don't want to read about.

We spent some time deciding where we could go for supper that was a) a long, long way to go, and b) took forever to get served, and were fairly successful at that, but the lights were still out when we got home.

You know, there's a reason that our forefathers went to bed when the sun went down. When it gets dark and all you have for illumination is a couple of candles and a flashlight, there's just not much you can do! Well, there is one thing, and birth rate statistics bear great witness to historic blackouts, but seriously. Reading is out. TV, radio, stereo - no. The laptop is okay for a while, but of course there is no Internet. iPhones have Internet, but we need to save the batteries because those are now our only telephone service. So basically what's left is talking to each other.

He said: "So, how are you?"
She said: "Fine."
He said: "How are the kids?"
She said: "Grown."

Fortunately, it wasn't the middle of Winter, so we didn't have to pull out every blanket in the house, nor did we have to sleep out in the back yard because it was still 95 degrees at 10pm (though it did reach 92 on Wednesday, and it was definitely stuffy with no breeze to speak of). I sat in the dark and thought things like... if we had a generator, where would we put it? And... maybe we shouldn't have sold the Coleman lantern in the garage sale.

Power was restored about 10pm - phones and internet came back sometime in the middle of the night. Our air-conditioned, plugged-in, turned-on, must-have-noise-in-the-background lifestyle was safe.

At least until the tsunami.

More "The Customer is not always right."

I'm stealing re-blogging today's post from a site called "The Customer is not always right." conversations with customers that don't always go well.

(Vet | OK, USA)
(I am talking to a customer about vaccines for dogs.)
Me: “The normal shots we give annually are distemper, parvo, rabies, and bordatella.”
Customer: “Okay. I wanted to be sure the distemper shot was part of it. My dog needs that.”
Me: “Okay. Would you like me to make an appointment for you?”
Customer: “Sure. Now, how long after the distemper shot will it take effect?”
Me: “What do you mean, take effect?”
Customer: “How long until my dog is nicer?”

Grocery Store | Fairfield, CA, USA

Customer: “Ma’am, I think your frozen yogurt is expired.”
Me: “Really? What brand?”
Customer: “I don’t remember. But it tasted funny last night when I ate it.”
Me: “What was the expiration date?”
Customer: “Not until next month. But it tasted funny. After I put it in the microwave, it was liquid and warm.”
Me: “You put it in the microwave?”
Customer: “Yeah, it’s frozen yogurt! You have to heat it up!”

(Coffee Shop | Calgary, AB, Canada)
(A customer approaches with her 2 year old son in arms, and her 5 year old daughter. As she is about to order, a customer from a few minutes earlier storms in front of her. She is yelling and screaming incoherently, and throws her drink on the counter.)
Daughter, to her mother: “Mummy, why is the lady yelling?”
Mother: “Never mind it, she’s just being rude.”
(The little girl scowls, and points at the customer.)
Daughter: “You cut that out right now! You need to be more polite!”
(Taking example from his sister, the toddler starts pointing and yelling.)
Toddler: “BAD! BAD!”
(The irate customer is embarrassed. She shuts up and storms out. The little girl gets a free hot chocolate.)

(Sandwich Shop)

(The phone rings at around 6-ish.)
Me: “Hello, this is D-…”
(I hear loud crying in the background.)
Man: “Hello, Disney World? I’m just calling to say that if my children don’t finish their vegetables in the next five minutes, we won’t be visiting you this year.”
Me: “I…er…what?”
Man: *whispering* “Thank you.” *click*

(Retail | Woodland Park, NJ, USA)
(A customer comes up to the register with two hand towels. They are on clearance.)
Customer: “The sign said these were buy one, get one free.”
Me: “Well, actually they’re clearance. So you’re saving $2.”
Customer: “I want what the sign says.”
Me: “I’m sorry about the sign being wrong, but you’re actually saving more money by them being on clearance.”
Customer: “You’re not listening to what I’m saying. I don’t care about saving money.”
(I charge her the extra two dollars.)

(Restaurant | Poulsbo, WA, USA)
(I am making a customer a salad. She is listing off what she wants on it.)
Me: “So that was oil, vinegar, and honey mustard for the dressings?”
Customer: “Yes, please.”
(I proceed to put them on.)
Customer: “I didn’t want honey mustard.”
Me: “I just asked you if you wanted it, and you said yes.”
Customer: “I never said I wanted it.”
(To avoid confrontation, I set it aside and make a new one. I finish putting all the dressings on, except the honey mustard.)
Me: “Sorry about that. Would you like anything else on it?”
Customer: “You know what, I will try some honey mustard on it after all.”

Computer Store | Toronto, Ontario, Canada

(An elderly man approaches me to purchase a Mac laptop for his granddaughter.)
Customer: “Hey, I have some questions about that laptop.”
Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”
Customer: “That laptop is an Apple, right?”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “I’m buying it for my granddaughter, but she’s allergic to apples. Can I get the same one, but in another fruit?”
Me: “…what? You do know that the laptops aren’t made of apples?”
Customer: “Then why display only an apple? It should be a selection.”
Me: “…I’ll get someone to help you.”

Tech support | MI, USA

(I am trying to help an elderly couple get on the internet.)
Me: “Okay. Go ahead and see if you are able to connect.”
Customer: “I can’t. It says that I am not connected to any networks.”
Me: “That’s odd. I can see you on the network.”
Customer: *amazed* “You can see me?”
Me: “Yes, I can see you.”
Customer: *shocked* “Wow, she can see me!”
Customer’s husband: *in the background* “Well, put some clothes on woman!”

Monday Meanderings 3.21.2011

At last! Bluebonnets! Weeks late and pretty sparse, but Bluebonnets.

This past week at Recording for the Blind., I was assigned a book entitled "Juvenile Delinquency,"  a text that dealt primarily with what was current in that area of Criminal Justice. The section I read dealt with Community Service programs as part of probation. Have I mentioned that sometimes we get "volunteers" that are there because a judge has sentenced them to Community Service? Do you want to guess why my Director was there? Awkward.

And on Wednesday I was assigned a Junior-High level book on the "Little Rock Nine," about the nine black students who were initially denied admission to Little Rock's Central High School when Gov. Faubus called out the National Guard, then later were enrolled under the watchful eye of the 101st Airborne Division, sent by Eisenhower.  I was seething by the end of my session. Not Arkansas' finest hour.

I've been working on taxes this week. Barb just loves it when I come ask questions like "Do you have a receipt from that charity luncheon you attended back in February?"

Seen on a bumper sticker: "Witches Parking. Violators will be toad"

Well, it was a pretty short NCAA tournament for the home teams. However, this takes all the anxiety out of it for us as it now makes no difference whatsoever who wins.

And for all those who spent a care-free week at the beach, here's a look back at what you didn't see.

Make way for the Double Double

According to the Orange County Register, at least eight In-N-Out restaurants are in the works in the state of Texas, with the first locations expected to open in two months. Specifically, In-N-Out has its eye on the Dallas/Fort Worth area, where the cities of Allen or Frisco are expected to claim bragging rights for being the first In-N-Out  to open in the Lone Star State. Future growth is also possible in Houston, Austin and San Antonio. But for now, concentration in the Dallas/Fort Worth area will keep In-N-Out “plenty busy for the next several years,” according to a spokesman.

In-N-Out, for those late to the game is the quirky California-based hamburger chain that has achieved cult status while offering a limited  menu choice; burgers, fries and drinks. No chicken, no salads, no bacon. You can vary your order by slathering your fries with cheese, and you can order from a "secret menu" — which the chain denies exists, even though it's on the company website. Burgers with names such as Animal Style, Protein Style (no bun - wrapped in lettuce), Flying Dutchman, 3x3, and 4x4 are celebrated underground requests never seen on the menu. 

Well. That's interesting if you are a big fan of In-N-Out and live in Texas and not California, which accounts for some - but not all - of our family.

Dare I say it? I’ll probably lose my California visiting rights, but I found In-N-Out to be very average. Yes, I know they have wonderful employee benefits, really stress fresh ingredients, have low prices and print bible verses on the bottom of their cups, and they will prepare your burger any way you want it (Animal Style burgers include pickles, extra spread, grilled onions, and mustard fried onto each meat patty, for example) but in the end it's just another burger. It's reputation exceeds itself. There. I said it.

In all fairness, it is a chain. It's really easy to offer an extraordinary hamburger when you build them in limited quantities -  not so easy to scale that process. But there are those who have done just that - Five Guys, Fatburger, and here in Austin, Mighty Fine, to name a few.

So I'll thumb my nose at the news that In-N-Out is coming to Texas. At least until there is one in my neighborhood.

My Amazing New Blog - Foodie Version

I told you last week that I am taking this blog in new directions; amazing, lucrative directions. I asked for input and fewer than thousands suggested that I test the demographics of each new direction. In response, here's my first offering for those of you in my focus group. You know who you are. So, here's presenting - - -

Two (or Three, or maybe Five) Ingredient Fudge

 Ingredients:

1. A package of chocolate chips. Indulge - get the good ones
2. A tub of chocolate frosting. Surely you can handle this without any help
3. Some (or none) chopped nuts - it's your fudge; do what you like
4. A splash of vanilla
5. A pinch of salt

Those last 2 are totally optional; use them to keep the store-bought frosting from tasting like...well, store-bought.

Pour the chocolate chips in a microwave bowl. Nuke 'em. Okay, if you are a Newbie, microwave in one minute intervals, stirring between each until the chips are all melted. Usually takes about 3 shots.

Pour the frosting (and nuts and other stuff, if you want) into the chocolate and stir it up. It'll take a little effort but then you can tell people how you slaved over this.

Put 'er back in the microwave and nuke it another minute.

Stir it up again - it should be a piece of...uh, fudge this time. If not, do it again for 30 seconds or so. Pour it in a greased (or wax-paper lined) 8x8 pan.

Chill. You in the recliner, the fudge in the fridge.

Serves:   One. What! You think I'm going to share this?

Serving Suggestion:  Cut in half. Eat one half now and the other when you are done with the first. If you are on a diet, cut in smaller pieces.

Next on Baking with Bobby - No mix, No sweat Cobbler.

So there you have the Foodie version of my blog. Let me know what you think. Operators are standing by.

Monday Meandering - 3.14.2011

Oh great! They're messing with the clocks again. "To make the day longer,: they say. No, the day is still exactly 24 hours long. "Well, the daylight then." No, the daylight is within a fraction of what it was yesterday and will be tomorrow. What is it with you people! Rant, Snarf, Gripe, Whine! Here's what I really think of it all.

The Zilker Kite Festival more nearly resembled the Capitol 10K last week. No wind, so all the would-be kite-flyers were running from one end of Zilker to the other, hoping to achieve lift-off.

It's Springtime in Austin. The Redbuds are showing off against the white Bradford Pear background; pale greens take the place of winter browns in trees and lawns and tourists are popping up everywhere. Between SXSW, the Rodeo and UIL basketball playoffs, we have more than 150,000 temporary residents. They're hard to avoid, but we love what they leave behind. Money. SXSW alone drops about $135 million into the kitty.

No Bluebonnets yet. I saw a meager handful of Indian Paintbrush blooms on the trip to the coast, but the dry winter has delayed the Bluebonnets, and those in the know say it will be a lackluster season this year.

They found a 12-foot alligator in Wilbarger Creek between Elgin and Bastrop the other day. Twelve feet? No more "down by the creek" for me.

Well, the yah-yahing between the NFL team owners and the players has escalated to the point where I fear for the Fall season. Two words express my feelings. AVARICE AND HUBRIS!

Blogging my way to Fame and Fortune!

Yes, that's right. I am in the process of restructuring this blog into a money-making machine! Soon. I will be the darling of the Internet and a success story beyond imagination.

What started me thinking about this is SXSW - the little festival that could, now underway in Austin. What began as a little Spring Break band tour has turned into a massive mega-multi-media event. The music portion of the festival features more than 2,000 (count 'em) bands; the film portion outdraws most other festivals combined, and the Interactive (Internet) portion is now THE place to showcase the best new websites, digital projects, wireless applications, video games and startup ideas the Internet has to offer.

For example, this year's Interactive Panel features a ton of bloggers who are making buckets of money and are now on the lecture circuit telling others how to become successful. I hear my name being called! There's a whole section of food bloggers who have turned online entries into book deals, and they are spilling the beans, so to speak. Austinite Julie Powell's blog-turned-book became the movie "Julie and Julia." Reese Witherspoon is being talked up to portray Pioneer Woman Ree Drummond. Oh, I am so looking forward to this! I see George Clooney in my role, don't you? Of course, I'll have a cameo as the lovable Santa figure.

All I need is to get out in front of the next big Blog wave, whatever that is. Let me think....

Food has been done to death. Technorati  estimates that there are more than 30,000 active food blogs out there. Plus there's the unfortunate fact that I can't cook. Look no further than my experience with Fuzzy Date Loaf.

Mommy Blogs are HUGE, but even though I am in touch with my feminine side, I just don't think I could pull that off. At the very least, the beard would have to go and that's not going to happen.

Artsy-Craftsy covers a plethora of possibilities - cute little handbags and totes, decorating with darling found items, marvelous window treatments, furniture from Popsicle sticks, oh, I think...I think I'm... Excuse me a moment. There, I feel better now.

Christian Blogs are also big, but that calls for a lot of heavy thinking (with the possible exception of Jon Acuff) and you open yourself up for a lot of criticism. Like what I just laid on Jon. No, I don't think so.

Political Commentary. Arianna Huffington recently sold her Huffington Post for $315 million dollars. I can relate to that kind of money, and I can bad mouth Democrats, Republicans and Tea Party-ers  alike. However, I would probably have to write about Sarah Palin and post the picture of her in the bikini holding the assault rifle and some things are just not worth the money.

Humor is a distinct possibility, but I notice no one has offered me a book deal on the Adventures of Bob the Dog series and that's all I have to say about that.

Right now I'm leaning heavily toward Urban Myths, Rumors and Scams. No, not debunking them - promoting them. Something along the lines of  "A close relative left me $35 million dollars, but I need your help getting it moved out of Texas before Rick Perry and the 82nd Legislature finds it."

So help me out folks. What do you see as the next big Blog-thing? Help me come up with the right theme and I'll see that you get very wealthy.

Right after me.

The Internet makes us stupid!

Your friends have sent them to you - urgent e-mails that say "Congress is preparing legislation that will outlaw puppies and small furry animals! Act now!" Or, "if you open 3 e-mails in a row and the middle one says 'Hey Big Boy' your computer will vanish in a puff of smoke and you will never get a good nights sleep again."

Or sometimes they are not dire, but are simply factoids, like the one that showed up the other day pointing out that July 2011 will have 5 weekends - 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays - and this will not happen again for another 823 years! Really? Here's  July 2011:

And here's March 2013:

And I could show you a bunch more - all of which are less than 823 years apart. Keeping up with the watch band calendars provided some insight into calendar math; a comet may come by only every 823 years, but there are only 14 possible calenders and they repeat in intervals ranging from 6 to 11 years.

What is it about the Internet that makes us stupid? I saw this referred to as "argument from authority;” basically that means if people trust the source of some tidbit of information, they believe it. And apparently a huge number of people think that if they see something posted on a blog somewhere,or receive it in an e-mail from a friend and it doesn’t contradict their world view, it must be true.

Work with me here, The Internet has been around a while and by now we ought to be a little bit smarter about the stuff that comes screaming into our mailboxes, or we see on blogs. BTW, the best way to tell if something is phony or a hoax, is if it comes with instructions asking the reader to forward the item. When in doubt, Snope it out.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go change my Facebook profile to my favorite food. If I do that, the FDA will donate $1 to homeless shelters.  I know that's so, because 6 of my friends have posted that in their status.

Monday Meanderings 3.7.2011

So how long should you hold a grudge? I got a Face Book friend request this week from an old high school classmate. The one who wrote in my yearbook ""Dear Bob, I have enjoyed seeing you choke everybody this year about making people do whatever you want them to do. If you do this any in future years, you may get caught up with. Seriously, I hope you get better. "May God guide you." Your friend always." Awkward.

March Madness on the way. I see that all the games will be televised live again this year. How many TVs would you have to have to watch every game?  Oh, wait. There's an app for that. So how many iPhones do I need? Longhorn men, who were 1 win away from being #1 seem to be sinking into mediocrity and the women are on the bubble and might not get in the tournament at all. Interesting.

And I leave you with another example where clear communication is important.

I am so stealing these...

Just when you despair that nothing you have encountered this week is blog-worthy, your son forwards you the winners from the "Washington Post's Mensa Invitational."*  Thank you!

Readers were invited to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an ....

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone : The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti  : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13.  Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v... To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n.. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

*There actually is no "Mensa Invitational," but The Washington Post does have a wonderfully clever humor contest called The Style Invitational. And a Style Invitational contest from 1998 is the source of many -- but not all -- of the neologisms in the list above. To see the real thing every week go to washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational

Stories for my grandchildren - Kites

I'm sitting on the balcony of our condo in Port A. (ours for the weekend, you understand) and I can see a dozen kites flying over the beach. Colorful, streamer-bedecked kites of a dozen different designs. There's a huge kite in the shape of a para-sail. There are wind-sock looking kites, kites that spin in the breeze, kites that look like prehistoric birds, a kite with a streamer tail many, many times longer than the kite itself. There's a kite that looks like Swimmy and a little bitty kite that looks like Nemo. Interestingly, none of the kites look like the kites I used to make and fly. You know, kite-shaped.

My father loved kites. He told of kites that he made as a boy, out of common materials, kites that in the Spring he would stake out on the plains near Cleburne where he grew up, and they would stay up for days and weeks in the breezes that never quit, even at night. He spoke of a mail-order kite that resembled an airplane, but the wings rotated to keep it aloft. We made kites together and flew them together. By that time you could buy 10-cent kites at Woolworth's; flimsy tissue paper wrapped around fragile sticks. If you didn't snap the cross-stick trying to fit the paper over it, and you scrounged some strips of cloth from an old bed sheet to make the tail, you were good to go.

But the best ones were the kites we made. From somewhere I  scrounged a length of bamboo, and if patient, I could cut wonderful stringers out of it. I tried lots of papers - even old newspapers. The Sunday Comics added color. Box kites were a challenge to make - there was ever-so-much more that could go wrong in the making and flying, but they flew ever-so-much better than the traditional deltoid shapes.

I remember organizing a kite contest at school in the 6th grade. There were "prizes" for highest flying, best decorated, and some other categories that I can't recall at the moment. The contest was held after school up at the South Ward Elementary playground, and as I recall, it was a great success. I know I enjoyed it.

I flew kites with my children as well. There was an empty field behind our first rental house in Austin, and we would go out there and fly kites. We would send "messages" up the string to the kite. We also went to the Zilker Kite Fest, where the air would fill with color and flutter. It was there I first saw kites so large they had to be attached to the back of trucks, flown with electric reels loaded with high-tensile fishing line.

There is a kite shop here in Port A., as you might imagine. There are more windsocks than kites on display. You can hang a windsock on a pole and forget it, but you have to go fly a kite. And you should take another kid with you.