My old customer support logs

I was clearing out some of my old office files and came across these logs from when I was assigned (briefly) to the Customer Support Desk.

Monday
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8:05am
User called to say they forgot password.  Told them to use password retrieval utility called CleanDisk.  Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. 

8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database.  Gave them Standard Answer #112, "Well, it works for me."  Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in.  Suggested they try it again.  One more happy customer...

11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours.  Decide to plug support phone back in. 

12:00 pm
Lunch

3:30 pm
Return from lunch.

3:55 pm
Wake up from nap.  Bad dream makes me cranky.  Bounce servers for no reason.  Return to napping.

4:23 pm
Yet another user calls.  Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using.  Tell them to call back when they find out.

4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.

Tuesday
 -------

8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night.  Sounded busy.  Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am
Support Manager arrives.  Wants to discuss my attitude.  Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon.  "Love to, but kinda busy.  Put something in the calendar database!"  I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up.  Walks away grumbling.

9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee.  Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1.  Say they never heard of such a form.  Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database.  Say they never heard of such a database.  Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Word.  Let him watch console while I grab early lunch.

1:00 pm
Return from lunch break.  Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names.  Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it.  Hang up and run global search/replace using degree symbol.

1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls.  Says she keeps getting calls for Customer Support. Tell her to call Telecommunications.

2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password.  Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter.  Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine.  Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC.  Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm
Janitor comes back.  Wants more lessons.  I take off rest of day.

Wednesday
 ---------

 8:30 am
 Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.  Tell them "Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not  "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

10:00 am
 Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me because Support  Manager needs to see me.  He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest  several lateral career moves.  Most involve farm implements in  third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil.  I ask if he's aware of new bug which posts photos of Christmas party with him and Bambi from Marketing on the corporate Web page.  Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

 10:30 am
 Tell Louie he's doing great job.  Offer to show him corporate web page maintenance sometime.

 11:00 am
 Lunch.

 4:55 pm
 Return from lunch.

 5:00 pm
 Shift change;  Going home.

 Thursday
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 8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today.  "Nice plaids" I offer.  Show him  server room, wiring closet, and technical library.  Set him up with  IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Word runs the same in both  monochrome and color.

 8:45 am
 New guy's PC finishes booting up.  Tell him I'll create new ID for  him.  Set minimum password length to 64.  Go grab coffee.

 9:30 am
 Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin.  "Nice plaids" Louie  comments.  Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am
Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception)  and plug back into hub.  Tell user to try again.  Another happy  customer!

 11:55 am
Send Marvin for pizza. Tell him it's in his job description.

 1:00 pm
 Pizza makes me so sleepy...

 4:30 pm
 Wake from refreshing nap.  Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

 5:00 pm
 Shift change.  Flick HR's server off and on several times (just  testing the On/Off button...).  See ya tomorrow.

 Friday
 ------
 8:00 am
 Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server.  Told them it worked fine before I left.

 9:00 am
 Marvin still not here.  Decide I might start answering these calls  myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

 9:02 am
 Yep.  A user call.  Users in Des Moines can't replicate.  Me and the Ouiji board determine it's sunspots.  Tell them to call  Telecommunications.

 9:30 am
 Good grief, another user!  They're like ants.  Says he's in San Diego  and can't connect to Des Moines.  Tell him it's sunspots, but  with a two-hour difference.  Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

 10:17 am
 Pensacola calls.  Says they can't route mail to San Diego.  Tell them  to set server ahead three hours.

 11:00 am
 E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time  on their servers.  I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

 11:20 am
 Finish Coffee break; put phone back on hook.

 11:23 am
 Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

 11:25 am
 Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit.  "So hard  to get good help..." I respond.  Support manager says he has  appointment this afternoon, and asks if I mind  sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him.  "No problem!"

 11:30 am
 Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a  meeting this afternoon.  "Yeah, sure.  You can bring your snuff" I  tell him.

 12:00 am
 Lunch.

 1:00 pm
 Start full backups on servers.  Route them to device NULL to make  them fast.

 1:03 pm
 Full weekly backups done.  Man, I love modern technology!

 2:39 pm
 New user calls.  Says want to learn how to create a connection  document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL.  Says PC rebooted.  Tell them to call microsupport.

 3:00 pm
 Another (novice) user calls.  Says periodic macro not working.  Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula.  Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

 4:00 pm
 Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white.  Also set  point size to "2" in help databases.

 4:30 pm
 User calls to say they can't see anything in documents.  Tell them to  go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then  refresh.  Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

 4:45 pm
 Another user calls.  Says they can't read help documents.  Tell them  I'll fix it.  Hang up.  Change font to Wingdings.

 4:58 pm
 Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens.  Not (too)  much.

 5:00 pm
 Night shift shows up.  Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have  a good weekend.

Monday Meanderings - 1.27.2014

Yep. The big news in ATX this past weekend was snow. Incredible amounts of snow and icy precipitation that covered flat surfaces with a coating the depth of, oh, a couple of nickles stacked together. Chaos ensued. Pandemonium prevailed. Schools closed. Grocery shelves emptied. Businesses abdicated. Reporters reported endlessly. Streets were sanded. Officials begged people to stay at home. And the local citizenry managed to involve itself in more than 200 auto accidents in a 24-hour period. After 20 minutes of winter, the temperature was back in the mid-70's yesterday. However, it looks like we may repeat the entire spectacle tomorrow. You gotta love it.

A word to my family. I learned this past week - while being tested for an inner ear problem at the doctor's office - that I will fail the DWI perp-walk, where you have to walk a straight line, placing one foot directly before the other. Every time. Sober or not. Just wanted y'all to know that in case you get a call some day from the local jail.

Saw a guy on a street corner the other day with a sign that said, "Mom and Dad told me to wait right here. It's been 15 years and I could use a little help."

Also saw a note on a menu that said, "Dessert is not a treat. It's a necessity." Amen.

And I'm pretty sure this is not the way one normally uses those tread-master machines. This gal looked like she also failed the DWI test and was crawling up the stairs to get home.

On the brink of a Velveetapocalypse!

Just when we need it most - just as the NFL playoffs and Super Bowl loom - there may be a shortage of Velveeta.  Folks, we are facing a dip crisis!

I have seen a few tweets and posts about the possibility of a Velveeta shortage, but recently some enterprising reporter went straight to the source. A call to Kraft elicited this response: "Given the incredible popularity of Velveeta this time of year, it is possible consumers may not be able to find their favorite product on store shelves over the next couple of weeks." The spokesperson went on to say that she expected this to be a short-term issue, amplified by the fact that this is peak Velveeta season. You heard me. Peak Velveeta season!

Americans spend about $500 million a year on Velveeta, and I am pretty sure most of it is consumed during January and on the first Sunday in February. True connoisseurs turn up their noses at Velveeta - "the cheese for people who can't cook" - but that's not important. The simple fact is there is no cheese product better for making queso, and there is the basis of the crisis. You can talk about your cheese and mac all you want, but without a batch of queso from a package of Velveeta and a can of Ro-Tel diced tomatoes and chilies come Super Bowl Sunday we are undone!

Even after reading the side of the box I am not sure exactly what Velveeta is made of. It was invented in 1908 by Caleb Hommel of Monroe, N.Y., as a means to salvage all the leftovers from the process of pressing cheese into wheels. Kraft Foods bought the VelVeeta Company in 1927 and marketed it as a health food; it had the seal of approval of the American Medical Association in the 1930s. In 2002, however, the Food and Drug Administration warned Kraft to stop calling it a "pasteurized process cheese spread." Kraft now calls it a "pasteurized prepared cheese product."  Say what?

Whatever it is, it is getting scarce in some parts of the country. There are now random listings of packages of Velveeta on Ebay! Folks, you can't make this stuff up!

But wait! Is it possible that this is an artificial shortage designed to panic football fans and drive up sales, just like the canned pumpkin shortage and the pre-Thanksgiving turkey shortage? Is this just to encourage Velveeta hoarding? I wouldn't be surprised if there will also soon be an artificial chip shortage, blamed on a poor corn harvest - or a guacamole shortage, blamed on an avocado blight in Southern California. We are at the mercy of greedy dip merchants!

I blame the Obama Administration, or the Republicans, or both. Maybe this is part of the government's war on cheese. Maybe we need an ACA - an Affordable Cheese Act.

Whatever. My advice is buy up all the Velveeta you can (the stuff has a shelf life of 25 years or so, so go large)! As of this past weekend Walmart still had some. I'm going to store my 25 boxes with the rest of my survival supplies, along with the bottled water, batteries, flashlights and  first-aid kit. Along with some Ro-Tel, of course.

Monday Meanderings - 1.20.2014

I broke one of those high-dollar treadmills at Silver's Gym. I was minding my own business, cruising along about 15 mph... okay, maybe at a somewhat slower pace... and maybe I was pressing a few buttons... when the thing gave up the ghost. No turning belt, no flashing lights, no TV on top. That sucker went dark and stopped dead in the water. Casters up, so to speak. Evidently the problem is more serious than a circuit breaker, it has been out of service for the better part of a week now. Meanwhile I am using the machines on the other side of the room. Far, far away.

Barb and I got an email invite from Pepperdine University to attend a "Marriage Enrichment Retreat
for Ministry Couples." The invite says "Couples stay in a safe and secure environment, enjoying the surrounding beaches and mountains of Malibu, California. The experience includes two nights of lodging, and breakfast and lunch daily at the Villa Graziadio on the Pepperdine University campus in Malibu - $200 per couple." Are you kidding? Malibu and meals for only $200 a couple? If we can figure out a way to skip the Retreat Sessions, we are so in!

When one gets an allergy shot there is a required 30 minute wait to see if you have a reaction and fall on the floor, frothing and twitching. On these waits, I open the Kindle app on my iPad to whatever book I happen to be reading at the time. Last week, I opened the app and my book was not listed. I synced and re-synced, searched the device and the cloud, but to no avail. I was pretty miffed that the app had failed me - until I realized that my current book at home was a real book; genuine paper and stuff, straight from the library.

On that note, I recently read about a toddler, having some acquaintance with an iPad, who was observed patiently swiping the pictures in a print magazine with her finger, trying to get the pictures to change. I thought that amusing until I realized that I have, on occasion, touched a word in a print book, expecting to see the dictionary definition pop up.

Advice for the coming week: If you are going to have a senior moment - make it memorable!

The British are coming!

Generally regarded as strait-laced and without humor, there is a side to the British you might not have expected - revealed in this collection of news items from the UK.
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A rolling cheese race, part of an ancient custom, was halted near Cheltenham after 18 people were injured by a runaway cheese.
  
- Western Morning News
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Mrs Susan Day has named her new son Henry George Zippedy Doo Dah Day. She said, "I was going to call him Sonny, but Sonny Day just sounded silly.!
   
- BBC Radio
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A Yorkshire man, whose wife had recently died, commissioned a headstone with the biblical text "She Was Thine" to grace the grave.  On returning a couple of weeks later the man was somewhat dismayed to see that the mason had got the inscription wrong, and it read "She Was Thin".
   
"You've forgotten the E.", he informed the mason, who was horrified and apologized profusely and promised that it would be rectified immediately and would be ready in two days.
   
When the man returned to review the correction the inscription now read, "Ee, She Was Thin."

- Radio 4
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 Having miraculously escaped a six-story fall in the Belgian town of Namur with only a broken nose, labourer Gerd Berghman got himself to his feet and instantly fainted at the sight of his own blood.  In falling to the ground once again, M Berghman broke his ankle.
   
- The Guardian
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William Howarth (82) was banned from driving for a year after traveling north for 20 miles on the southbound carriageway of the A34.  Police succeeded in stopping him once, but after apologising, he drove off again, still heading the wrong way.
   
He was finally halted by a roadblock.  After the hearing at Abingdon Magistrates Court he thanked the police for their courteous treatment and vowed to take the train in future.
   
- The Guardian
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 Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked up
completely with an unexpected reading of over 300mph.  The mystery was explained seconds later as a low-flying RAF Harrier hurtled over their heads.
   
The boys in blue, upset over the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened by the reply which pointed out that damage to police resources could have been considerably greater. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked onto the 'enemy' radar and triggered
an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface attack, but luckily for the two guys on the ground, the weapons systems were not armed.

- Pilot Magazine
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A flasher limped off in agony after dropping his track suit pants in front of a woman in Kew.  Her dog jumped up and bit him in the privates.
   
- Independant
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 A Norman castle in Cornwall is being treated with cow dung and yoghurt to restore it's original colouring.
   
- Western Morning News
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A method for treating donkeys for alcoholism, based on Guinness and crisps has been devised by a Devon donkey sanctuary.
  
- Oldham Chronicle   
   
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A Buckinghamshire bank manager and his young female assistant got accidentally locked inside the bank's cash machine while 'loading it with notes.  They were freed when a customer heard their cries of
distress while trying to extract cash from the machine. The luckless pair were finally released when the key was pushed through the slot which accepts the plastic card, but only after the woman customer
renegotiated the charges on her overdraft.
   
- Yorkshire Evening Post.
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 According to police in Odell, Ill., in August, William Wykes burst into the home of his bedridden father, Otis Wykes, 85, and pointed a handgun at him, but before he could get off a shot, the father pulled his own
gun and fired four times, wounding his son.  Said the prosecutor, "It appears there was a history between the two."

- Oxford Mail  
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Failing standards in science education appear to be the possible cause of a fairly fundamental error made by burglars in Sittingbourne, Kent last night, who attempted to gain entry to a store-room in a fireworks
factory - using oxyacetylene cutting equipment.
   
The blast at Skyhigh Pyrotechnics was heard five miles away as the former WWII ammunition dump made of foot-thick concrete was reduced to rubble.
   
Police, who were checking for bodies believe the raiders first set fire to their getaway van, which probably in turn set fire to the fireworks, although they probably had time to get away.
   
Rod McGregor, one of the firm's owners, estimated the blast cost them 150,000 pounds.  He added:
"You can plan for every eventuality but the last thing you expect is anyone to attack an explosives factory with an oxyacetylene torch."
     
- The Guardian
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 I was listening to the BBC news at 1:00pm today and heard of the first death by mobile phone.  Apparently the unfortunate man was walking along the street, concentrating on his telephone conversation, when he walked into a lamppost, fractured his skull and subsequently died.
   
We have the technology ... it's the common sense that's seems to be the problem!  
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 Coventry City Council has had to rebuild its brand new 5 Million Pound bus station after it was found to contravene local regulations banning the use of buses...
   
- Coventry Telegraph    
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A Herefordshire woman has been given 27 Pounds in compensation after her bank found it had inadvertently debited her account with the account number, taking her a cool 40 million Pounds overdrawn.
   
- Hereford Times
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 Sun Alliance Insurance has offered a Gwent householder free insurance after he received 447 identical circulars from them in the space of two days.
   
- Daily Telegraph   
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 London-bound travelers at Oxford missed their train the other day because staff mislaid the key to the station's main entrance.
   
- Oxford Mail  
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 A firm making treatments for athlete's foot is offering a L500 prize to the owner of the smelliest socks in Britain.
   
- Coventry Telegraph
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 From the classified ads in the Wolverhampton Express and Star ...
   
"A1 Strippergrams.  All areas covered."     
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A burglar in Burnley, Lancashire, who robbed his next door neighbour's house was caught when he hung the curtains he had stolen in his own windows.
   
- Burnley Express
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"Will the person who took a slice of cake from the commissioner’s office return it immediately," reads a sign seen this week in a police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand.  "It is needed as evidence in a
poisoning case."
   
- Guardian
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A 19 year old man who lay on the tracks in front of a train at Nuneaton station attacked the driver when he refused to run him over.
   
- Coventry Telegraph
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 A Sutton Coalfield car thief failed to spot the owner's mother in law on the back seat.  He dropped her at traffic lights after she screamed at him.
   
- Yorkshire Evening Press
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A 62 year old Gloucestershire grandmother has been warned by doctors not to skateboard again after her first attempt landed her in hospital with a dislocated shoulder.
   
- Yorkshire Evening Press
    .

Monday Meanderings - 1.13.2014

Wow. Had to dig deep in the dresser drawers to find my old long johns this past week. In one week the temps went from the 70's to 12 degrees and then back into the 70's. There is a reason that I live in the South and I guess periodically I need to be reminded of that reason.

Now the pollen is blowing off the cedar trees in yellow billows. Pollen count yesterday was in the 16,000 grains range - a record. On the news last night they showed the view from Loop 360 and the pollen looked like smoke from wildfires! I think I will just not breath in for the next few days. Only out.

Striving to eke out every tax deduction available, I itemize the things that we donate to Goodwill throughout the year. Some years are easy. This year is not. Between the stuff that we got out of the attic, the stuff Barb cleared out of the kitchen, the stuff we gathered when we were going through the boxes of Christmas decorations, and a few other cleaning frenzies, we ended up with pages and pages of items to identify, price and record for the taxman.

I use ItsDeductible.com to help me estimate the value of these items. It is a free program that has hundreds of common household items listed and for those, it is right on the money (heh, heh). But some things we passed on to Goodwill are somewhat esoteric. See if you can figure out which items I could find in the list and which I could not:

• Hand towels
• Wastebasket
• Mary and Joseph nutcracker set
• Plastic dinosaur figurines

One more thing to add to the list of things our grandchildren have never seen - an airmail postage stamp.

You may remember that I was among the first to warn you that our devices are spying on us. First CPAP machines, then hearing aids.  Now I see in the news that a French company has introduced what they're calling the world's first connected electric toothbrush, which syncs wirelessly with a smartphone to track brushing habits, announce whether you, or your kids, have brushed thoroughly enough and reward you for good oral hygiene. Oh, and did I mention the new wrist bands that keep up with your steps and sleep and perhaps how much coffee you drink. Pretty sure the NSA has already hacked into these devices. Just saying.

Monday Meanderings - 1.6.2014

Welcome to the New Year.

History will mark this year for a number of reasons - not the least of which will be that in 2014 it will be legal to sell pot and illegal to sell light bulbs. Go figure.

I, like so many others, made a number of New Year's resolutions. I was doing fine until someone explained that they were not just for New Year's Day; you were expected to keep those resolutions for the entire year. That's just crazy talk.

So the revised list includes taking more naps and watching more bowl games. And stepping on the scale less. After all, resolutions are intended for self improvement, and ahem, if I do say so myself...

Speaking of bowl games, one of the nice benefits they provide is that for the most part one could care less who wins. You simply root for the offense. Or the defense. Or maybe the mascot. Your choice.

This is an interesting time of year for shoppers. The Valentine candy is already on the shelves - right beside all the self-help books and products to help you lose those pounds you added over Christmas and New Year!

This may be the penultimate in dashboard dining. We parked next to a vehicle with lunch all prepared; it doesn't stand out clearly, but there is what appears to be some kind of cheese spread on that king-sized slice of bread. It was a sunny day - maybe they were counting on the sunshine to warm the interior and melt the cheese and toast the bread.

Gathering the chicks

The entire family gathered here for Christmas this year.

It was good.

From the time that our two went off to school, I have marked those occasions of return; each Thanksgiving, each Christmas break, each homecoming trip, waiting in anticipation for the car to pull up in the driveway. Waiting for the chicks to return and be gathered safely in the nest. So thankful when they are.

Over the years, the pattern has often been repeated, but as time passed there were instances when a holiday return was skipped; perhaps a ski trip with college friends, or a visit to the home of someone special. It became more complicated as the time came for new traditions and new nests in which to gather. The daughter and her new husband moved to Prague for several years; the son and his new wife moved to East Texas. Time passed and then West Virginia, California and West Texas became important destinatuions to us. You worked out your visits as best you could.

And each one was good.

Grandchildren have added new dynamics to the get-togethers. When do you start traditions of your own? How do you manage when the family is scattered widely? Careers and obligations and school activities and joyless air travel complicate the gatherings.

It gets harder.

This year, all the chicks returned safely to a house that almost could not hold them all. There were long-legged teenagers stretched across every square foot of floor space. Adults played musical chairs to find a place to sit. With 2 1/2 electronic devices for every person in attendance, recharging stations were almost as important as beds. Almost. Endless ball games on TV. Movies late into the night. And the food, oh, my.

It was good.

The oldest grandson will leave for college this coming year. Can it be? He's excited about the possibilities and we're excited with him. The next grandson, already taller than the rest of us, is the athlete in the family. The third grandson, a walking sports encyclopedia, is just steps behind the other two (though walking was a bit difficult in his orthopedic boot, needed as he heals from a basketball injury). The sole granddaughter is queen of the universe. Ours, at least. When Barb lined the kids up against the growth chart, the past year was measured in growth spurts.

That is all good.

Then they were gone again, and Barb and I waited for that text or call that said that all was well; they were back safely. Our house is overly quiet, but we take pleasure in knowing that their lives, and ours, will return to normal for a short time. A very short time, because there are more changes ahead. In days that will pass like minutes, my children will be the ones waiting for the car to pull into the driveway, or for the flight to arrive. Or for the text. New traditions will be formed, new family constraints will reshape their holidays. They too, will soon wait for the chicks to return safely and be gathered in the nest.

And it will be good.