My old customer support logs

I was clearing out some of my old office files and came across these logs from when I was assigned (briefly) to the Customer Support Desk.

Monday
 ------

8:05am
User called to say they forgot password.  Told them to use password retrieval utility called CleanDisk.  Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. 

8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database.  Gave them Standard Answer #112, "Well, it works for me."  Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in.  Suggested they try it again.  One more happy customer...

11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours.  Decide to plug support phone back in. 

12:00 pm
Lunch

3:30 pm
Return from lunch.

3:55 pm
Wake up from nap.  Bad dream makes me cranky.  Bounce servers for no reason.  Return to napping.

4:23 pm
Yet another user calls.  Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using.  Tell them to call back when they find out.

4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.

Tuesday
 -------

8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night.  Sounded busy.  Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am
Support Manager arrives.  Wants to discuss my attitude.  Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon.  "Love to, but kinda busy.  Put something in the calendar database!"  I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up.  Walks away grumbling.

9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee.  Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1.  Say they never heard of such a form.  Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database.  Say they never heard of such a database.  Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Word.  Let him watch console while I grab early lunch.

1:00 pm
Return from lunch break.  Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names.  Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it.  Hang up and run global search/replace using degree symbol.

1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls.  Says she keeps getting calls for Customer Support. Tell her to call Telecommunications.

2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password.  Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter.  Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine.  Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC.  Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm
Janitor comes back.  Wants more lessons.  I take off rest of day.

Wednesday
 ---------

 8:30 am
 Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.  Tell them "Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not  "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

10:00 am
 Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me because Support  Manager needs to see me.  He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest  several lateral career moves.  Most involve farm implements in  third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil.  I ask if he's aware of new bug which posts photos of Christmas party with him and Bambi from Marketing on the corporate Web page.  Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

 10:30 am
 Tell Louie he's doing great job.  Offer to show him corporate web page maintenance sometime.

 11:00 am
 Lunch.

 4:55 pm
 Return from lunch.

 5:00 pm
 Shift change;  Going home.

 Thursday
 --------
 8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today.  "Nice plaids" I offer.  Show him  server room, wiring closet, and technical library.  Set him up with  IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Word runs the same in both  monochrome and color.

 8:45 am
 New guy's PC finishes booting up.  Tell him I'll create new ID for  him.  Set minimum password length to 64.  Go grab coffee.

 9:30 am
 Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin.  "Nice plaids" Louie  comments.  Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am
Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception)  and plug back into hub.  Tell user to try again.  Another happy  customer!

 11:55 am
Send Marvin for pizza. Tell him it's in his job description.

 1:00 pm
 Pizza makes me so sleepy...

 4:30 pm
 Wake from refreshing nap.  Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

 5:00 pm
 Shift change.  Flick HR's server off and on several times (just  testing the On/Off button...).  See ya tomorrow.

 Friday
 ------
 8:00 am
 Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server.  Told them it worked fine before I left.

 9:00 am
 Marvin still not here.  Decide I might start answering these calls  myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

 9:02 am
 Yep.  A user call.  Users in Des Moines can't replicate.  Me and the Ouiji board determine it's sunspots.  Tell them to call  Telecommunications.

 9:30 am
 Good grief, another user!  They're like ants.  Says he's in San Diego  and can't connect to Des Moines.  Tell him it's sunspots, but  with a two-hour difference.  Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

 10:17 am
 Pensacola calls.  Says they can't route mail to San Diego.  Tell them  to set server ahead three hours.

 11:00 am
 E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time  on their servers.  I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

 11:20 am
 Finish Coffee break; put phone back on hook.

 11:23 am
 Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

 11:25 am
 Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit.  "So hard  to get good help..." I respond.  Support manager says he has  appointment this afternoon, and asks if I mind  sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him.  "No problem!"

 11:30 am
 Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a  meeting this afternoon.  "Yeah, sure.  You can bring your snuff" I  tell him.

 12:00 am
 Lunch.

 1:00 pm
 Start full backups on servers.  Route them to device NULL to make  them fast.

 1:03 pm
 Full weekly backups done.  Man, I love modern technology!

 2:39 pm
 New user calls.  Says want to learn how to create a connection  document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL.  Says PC rebooted.  Tell them to call microsupport.

 3:00 pm
 Another (novice) user calls.  Says periodic macro not working.  Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula.  Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

 4:00 pm
 Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white.  Also set  point size to "2" in help databases.

 4:30 pm
 User calls to say they can't see anything in documents.  Tell them to  go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then  refresh.  Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

 4:45 pm
 Another user calls.  Says they can't read help documents.  Tell them  I'll fix it.  Hang up.  Change font to Wingdings.

 4:58 pm
 Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens.  Not (too)  much.

 5:00 pm
 Night shift shows up.  Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have  a good weekend.