A travel guide - for South of the Border

 Some friends and acquaintances are on an extensive trip south of the border. Knowing that I traveled extensively in countries that fit this description, before leaving they turned to me for some assistance with phrases essential for such a trip. I can assure you that the phrases they teach you in travel guides, such as "Will Hortensia watch television on Wednesday." are not sufficient. Trust me on this.

I share with you the English portion of some of the essential phrases that I have found very helpful during my travels, broken out by major category, in case you also are contemplating such a trip. I know that my guide has proven useful to my friends and they are really enjoying their trip, for I have not heard from them in some time.

Speaking to Airport Taxi Drivers: 
How much do you charge?
Let us negotiate a price before you take my luggage.
Your Uncle's hotel sounds very nice, but I have reservations at the Holiday Inn.
Please slow down.
At high speeds I get car sick.
This window doesn't work. May I break it?
My gosh, pigs!
Yes, the crazy animal deserved to die. But must he ride beside me?
I will change the tire, but don't expect a tip.

At the hotel desk:
I would like your least expensive room.
I would like a better room.
Please explain the rope's function.
I would like any room not damaged by the recent earthquake.
The river is lovely, but I prefer a room with a shower.

At local markets:
I would like to change my American dollars.
Your currency is very pretty. Who is the guy with the top hat?
No chicken hearts today, madam. Do you sell peanut butter?
No thanks. The sombrero impairs my vision.
Will you throw in a couple of mangoes?

A night on the town:
My compliments to the chef. What did you say the main course was?
The rum is good, but I prefer the local beer.
You do what to cause fermentation?
I don't question your abilities, but I am already married.
My apologies. I thought you asked me to dance.
My friend is drunk and I am lost.
My friend is lost and I am drunk.

At the hospital:
I am sick.
Everything was working fine when I left Texas.
I was never asked to do that in the US, and I'm not going to do it here.
If you've got the medicine, I've got the cash.

In a fix with guerrillas, thugs, or the transit police:
Have I broken a law?
May I offer you a gift of money?
I love your uniforms.
How do you keep your automatic weapons so clean?
Did I say American? I meant Canadian.
You can have our women, but leave the plane tickets.
Don't shoot. We are rock stars.

Over the river and into the woods:
I would like to rent a canoe.
Sharks ate most of the crocodiles? How reassuring.
I would like to rent a gun.
What is the name of that snake?
A hamburger for me and some anti-venom for my friend.

At border crossings/at customs/in jail:
Yes, I have a receipt.
I have a prescription for that. Really!
Did I say $20? I meant $50.
I have a powerful friend at the American embassy.
Assassinated? Then my work here is done. The capitalist pig deserved to die.
Nice jail you got here. Better than my hotel room.