Trying to get off the grid

When one retires (or should I say if one retires), certain aspects of your life should slow down. For example, it may not be as important to be plugged in, tuned in and turned on - phone wise, at least. The ability to get in touch with one's spouse with your handy-dandy Blue-Ray equipped, full screen, I'm Touched, GPS equipped, multi-function cell phone does not become as big a deal when all you have to do is shout, "Honey! Would you get me another cup of coffee." Not that I would ever do that, mind you - but you get the point.

Nor is it necessary to read my e-mail off a tiny screen. Chances are, I'm sitting in front of my computer all day, anyway! And who needs a calendar when your schedule is:

• Get Up.
• Eat Breakfast.
• Short Nap.
• Eat Lunch.
• Longer Nap.
• Go to Chuy's for supper.
• Watch ballgames till sleepy.
• Repeat.

And you've already seen how facile I am with texting.

I should point out that I began lugging a cell phone around back when the affordable models were bag phones. Yes, it was that big and you had to plug it into a car to use it. So I'm not a Luddite when it comes to cell phones, it's just that I just don't have as much need for one now. That was pointed out when I divided the minutes we actually used into the dollars we were actually paying and discovered that this convenience was costing nearly 90 cents a minute talked.

Okay, thanks to my grandson, I have been exposed to the Pay-as-you-go concept. I'm way past needing to stay on any plan - so just switch me to a flat .25 cents a minute; I'll be way ahead. Here's $25 bucks for each phone - that will last us months.

Or until the minutes expire, which comes a short 3 months later. No problemo (I learned that in Spanish class). I'll just add $5 when they are about to expire and roll the minutes every 30 days. I've got time on my hands to do this.

Three months later, and I'm looking for the $5 option? What do you mean there's a $15 minimum and it expires in 30 days? I was planning on paying $10 bucks a month for the 2 phones - not $30. Oh, the best deal is $100 a pop and that gets me a years worth of minutes?

Somehow getting off the grid is harder than I thought it would be. Call me. I need to burn some minutes to make me think this is a good deal after all.

Bad Times

If you receive an e-mail entitled “Badtimes”, delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

• It demagnetizes the strips on all of your credit cards.
  
• It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up on the tracking of your DVR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.
• IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
  
• It will drink all your beer. For Pete’s sake, are you listening?
• It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company!
• It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
• It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to past tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which will grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
• If the Badtimes message is opened with either the Microsoft or Apple environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
• It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

Warn as many people as you can….

Better yet, email this to all the people you know and swear that it happened to a friend of someone that you work with. And not only that, Neiman-Marcus sent you a bill for their cookie recipe!

They cease to be fun when there's so much riding on them.

Mom has always said that in the context of the Lady Longhorns. When the tournament begins the games take on too much importance; up to that point we've been able to go to the games, enjoy the experience, feel good about wins, feel not as good about loses, but hey, there's always another game in a few days.

So it is with the football team. Really, most fans would call it a perfect season if we beat Oklahoma, Tech and A&M and the rest didn't matter that much. Now they've gone and named us #1 and every week is agony. Every game is a must-win situation and frankly folks, this wasn't supposed to the year we were ready to play for a National Championship.

After surviving Oklahoma, Missouri and Oklahoma State, I'm glad I won't be able to see next week's game with Tech. You are only allowed 4 anti-acid tablets in an 8-hour period.

Go Horns. But go without me on this one.

More commentary on today's economy

Okay, I admit it. It's beyond me.

Brinnggg!

"Hello."

"Hey Dad! We're at the ACU ballgame and I need you to keep me posted on the UT-Missouri score!"

"Okay. I can do that."

"Bye!"

"All right! Texas scores!"
blip-bleep-blip - - brinnggg!

"Hello?"

"It's seven - oh! Missouri went three and out and Texas scored on their first possession!"

"What? I can't hear you. You are supposed to text me!"

Oh, okay, BUT IT'S SEVEN TO NOTHING!"

"Okay. Seven to nothing. I got it. Text me, okay? Bye!"

"Yes! Texas scores again! Let's see now... (blip) Messaging... (blip) Text Messages... (blip) Write New... (blip) oh, wait! (beep, beep, blip) Okay...(blip, blip) How do I make a number? Never mind... (blip, blip Ty) - uh, no - (blip, blippty, blip Two#) - no, (blip - Two blip, blip, blip) how do I make a space? Okay! (blip Two pop) No, not p! I want to type an s!! (bleep bleep...) Wait! What happened?"

Brinnggg!


"I have a text message! Now what do I do? (blip, blip..) Aha!"

10/18/08
07:48PM
U guys falling
down on the job.
*** End ***

blip-bleep-blip - - brinnggg!

"Hello?"

"IF YOU KNOW THE SCORE WHY DO I NEED TO TEXT YOU!"

"Oh, never mind. The guy behind us has a TV."

bleep!