We have a problem, people!

I knew it! I knew it!

I told you last Wednesday that our health-care appliances, such as hearing aids, CPAP machines and the such were invading our privacy and keeping detailed records about our activities and our life styles. Well, it's even worse than I thought! Now the devices are turning on us! This past week the the FDA issued a consumer update with regard to those battery-powered Spinbrushes that are all the rage. While these brushes may seem innocent, healthy, and, with their cutesy slogans and vibrant colors, good for kids,etc., they are not to be trusted. Avoid being alone with them in closed quarters, like your bathroom!

It turns out the devices have caused injuries ranging from chipped or broken teeth to mouth and gum cuts and injuries to the face and eyes from poking people in the eye and in the cheek. They've cut lips, burned people with their batteries, and lodged their bristles in tonsils. Could this be the result of angry dentists, reacting to secret tooth brush snooping? Remember, I cautioned you about this. What's next? Hearing aids planting subliminal, self-destructive messages in our ears? CPAP machines silently shutting off the flow to our oxygen-starved brains? Oh, it gets worse, people...

Last week, in another visit to the Audiologist, I kept hearing terrible, retching noises from the adjacent office. I found this very puzzling, and somewhat upsetting, but the Audiologist just ignored the sounds. Finally, I asked her what was going on, and she said, "It's nothing - just a balance test." I pressed her for more, and she finally admitted that they were torturing some poor soul afflicted with vertigo by upsetting their "balance" - in other words, they were making this person so dizzy, by alternating warm and cold air in the ears, that the subject was leaving breakfast and some of last night's $20 sirloin in the porcelain convenience!

Subliminal messages, I'm telling you! "You must come to my office and let me make you sick as a dog! I'll teach you not to wear your hearing aids!" I demand a government investigation into the devices!

Wait! What if it's a government conspiracy? Folks, it may be time to hightail it to Montana or the Australian Outback. Remember, you heard it here first!