And the winner is...

It is obligatory for bloggers to write a year-end retrospective piece. If you don't, you lose your blog license, or they send all the spam comments to you or something bad happens. That's a fact. And, judging from the other blogs I read that retrospective must be a recap of your own blogginess.

So, cutting right to the chase -- the Retired In Austin blog entry that received the most hits this year is:

Monday Meanderings - Sep 20. This blog is rated "PG" 

Followed by:

You can't go home until you pee
We need more cowbell!!
The Adventures of Bob the Dog – the Meat Market Massacre   and
I once dated a girl... 

Google has a lot to do with blog hits. It's amazing what people search for, and these are some of the search keywords have led people to my blog this year:

retired in austin
phone outages austin texas wednesday september 8 2010 
acl fest 2010
breckenridge high school buckaroos
colt and rachel's wedding
jerry gibson breckenridge
robert earl keene  (Hop on your Harley - it's ROT Rally)
splat the cat chuy's (now that's a strange combination)
university of texas cowbell

and interestingly enough - watch band calendars.

Counting the number of visitors is a bit of a challenge. I have a couple of sources, but they don't exactly cover the same periods, so I'm extrapolating some (hey, what's a few thousand hits among friends?). As you would expect, the majority of visitors came from the United States - 1,075 of them. But I also had visitors from:

South Korea (82)
Canada (53)
United Kingdom (27)
Brazil (24)
France (23)
Denmark (19)
Italy (18)
Malta (18)
Plus some others that the site meter seems unable to count unless I pay for the premium $ervice.

Far and away more Windows users (1,646) visited than Mac users (496), but some came calling from iPhones, iPads, Blackberrys and one soul was using Playstation 3 to browse the web. Go figure.

As best as I can tell (since I didn't write it down last year) there have been 3,922 page views in 2010. I can't tell how many individual people that actually is -- it may be only 6 loyal friends clicking more than 650 times  apiece. Thanks, guys. The check is in the mail.

Oh, and Happy New Year!

Back on the grid

Barb and I gave each other iPhones for Christmas. This probably rates higher than the garage door openers we gave each other a number of years ago, but in my defense, we really needed garage door openers.

I wrote with some pride a while back that we were slowly getting off the grid; our cell phones had dwindled down to Pay-As-You-Go plans and I griped because I couldn't get any lower level (cheaper) service. But I slipped up and got Barb a Palm for Christmas several years ago. She loved the Palm. She depended on the Palm. And when the Palm finally played out there was great trauma and angst about replacing it. After a lot of deliberation, and a lot of trepidation, we got her an iTouch. Great choice, only she kept having to retrieve it from me so much she finally insisted that I get my own. I did and we were a happy couple.

For a while. Then it became obvious that our old phones weren't going to last much longer - they would hold a battery charge about 12 hours or two phone calls - whichever came first. In fact, when we went to the AT&T store the guy took one look at our old phones and said, "Wow, I haven't seen one of these in forever!" Okay, we get the point.

So, now we have new, out-of-the-box iPhones, and if we want all of our existing stuff from the iTouches transferred over to our iPhones we just sync them in iTunes, right? iNot! Let me just say that we got the phones last Tuesday and we finished cleaning up all the apps and profiles on Christmas Day. Oh, wait. We still have to call the Bible software company to find out what happened to the versions previously bought and paid for. I give iTunes sync a big F minus!!

Then there is the matter of documentation. If you have an Apple product you know that Apple doesn't believe in documentation. Saves them a ton of money. So Barb picked up an "iPhone for Dummies" type book, and I confess I took the Apple approach and said, "We don't need no stinkin' book." Which was fine until I slipped up and showed her a neat short-cut and had to confess that after she went to bed I read her book. Her helpful, interesting book.

There. Is that a sufficient apology?

So now we are down to one device apiece for all our phone and mobile Internet needs. Right? Then why does our docking area look like this?

Oh, yeah, I remember. It has to do with that F minus for getting all the stuff synced up. Maybe someday soon.

Monday Meanderings - 12.27.2010

I'm still officially in Holiday Mode, so this may be a short blog. That statement does bring up the question though - how is my Holiday Mode any different than my Everyday Mode? I'll get back to you on that - after the Holidays.

The Missus and I had a very nice Christmas. Our kids and grands came during the Thanksgiving week and that was our big get-together so we just sort of quietly slid into Christmas from there. Whenever folks would ask if we were ready for Christmas, we would reply that we were done!

We did the traditional Christmas Eve Candlelight Service at Westover Friday night. That service gets a little more complicated (from a technical standpoint) every year, but the house was packed again this year and a very high number were visitors, so it seems to be well received.

Sunday morning when we got to the church building, Brent - the sound guy for this week - was scratching his head. Every time he tried to turn up the volume on the singer's monitors he would hear a flute and guitar playing Christmas music, with no apparent source for that music. No CD, no feed from upstairs, no nothing. I told him that maybe we have had it wrong all this time and this was a sign. However, it went away before the service started, so maybe not.

Good news on the "If I eat this I might pass out on the floor" front: the tests for a beef, pork, and lamb allergy are negative. No word about the chocolate allergy test, but there has been a great deal of independent research carried out this Christmas season and the results indicate no allergy there!

Lots of Bowl games on the TV. Which has prompted a couple of questions on my part:

    1) Do you think it is in Allstate Insurance's best interest to sponsor the big nets behind the goals? You know, the ones that say. "You are in good hands" with the image of the cupped hands prominently displayed? I have never seen those hands catch a single kick through the goals. Not a one! The "good hands" always drop the ball.

   2) Where do the Army and Navy football teams get their cheerleaders? I recognize that both academies have female members, but it strikes me that the type of young woman who is seeking a career as a military officer is not interested in participating in the cheerleader stereotype. Just saying.

And in the spirit of keeping Austin weird, here is a photo I snapped - highly visible on north-bound IH-35:

Merry Christmas

"God bless the master of this house,
And the mistress also,
And all the little children
That round your table grow.

The cattle in your stable,
The dogs at your front door,
And all that dwell within your gates
We'll wish you ten times more."

And perhaps you have not seen this:

Here's a link so that you can watch it full-size.

The Christmas Calenders

At the family Christmas get-together way back in 1971, my brother-in-law Arthur unwittingly started a tradition that now begins its 40th year - the giving of the watch band calenders. Once upon a time, unless very expensive, watches did not have calender and date functions, so a popular item back then was a little band of aluminum, imprinted with a calender month, that one could fit around the watch band.

They looked like this:

 

Snap the appropriate month off, bend the tabs around the band, and there you go, all calendered up. They even have popular holidays designated.

So, that Christmas, Arthur gave me a supply of watch band calenders. About 10 pounds of watch band calenders! Thousands of watch band calenders! And did you notice the date? That's right, 1971 - the year just past.

As you might suspect, these bands have been re-gifted. Many times. The year 1971 repeats about every 11 years, so these became appropriate family gifts again in 1982, 1993, 1999 and 2010. Not only that, these little strips of aluminum have been glued to various and sundry other gifts, such as a waste-basket sized container given on the occasion of my sister and brother-in-laws silver wedding anniversary. They have decorated many a Christmas tree, they have been craft projects for many a Pre-K class. They have been used in a variety of ways, but fear not - there are still plenty of watch band calendars left.

 And yes, they definitely were re-gifted this year. John is the new Keeper of the Calenders. You may want to congratulate him on this auspicious honor. Can't wait till 2021.

Monday Meanderings - 12.20.10

I had a store clerk (in a Santa hat) describe to me the 4 "Santa" stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa
2. You don't believe in Santa
3. You are Santa
4. You look like Santa

 Got a dollar bill in change the other day that was stamped with "WheresGeorge.com." These marked bills are sort of like geo-cache travel bugs; the serial numbers are logged on the web site and you can look them up to see how they have traversed the globe. This bill was pretty old and worn and I thought it would have quite a travel history, arriving in Austin from somewhere really remote so I looked it up and discovered it had started its journey some 4 days ago in Lockhart Texas, and I was the bill's first finder. Oh, well.

Went to Fort Worth on Saturday for the Cousin's Christmas (I'll have more to say about that on Wednesday). Traffic was typical IH-35; that is, bumper-to-bumper. Fortunately, it's only that way between Austin and Fort Worth.

Halfway between Salado and Georgetown - in wide open country - there is a highway sign that says "Downtown - next exit." Excuse me? There may be a downtown somewhere on that exit, but it is not anywhere in sight. And while you are pondering that, in a few minutes another sign presents itself with the message "Higher Education Campuses." Uhhh, the University of Jarell? Round Rock U? You got me.

And who knew you could have so much fun with duct tape?

Ho Ho Ho - again

I first posted this in December of '07 - in my first 6 months of blogging. Since then, not only have I learned about "reblogging" I found out there is this wonderful idea called "reposting." Ho, ho ho, indeed!

It’s becoming pretty obvious. I catch more and more small children looking at me with a great deal of interest these days. I think it’s the beard and the belly. You know, like the waitress at the café in Salado who said, “Hon, with your beard and your belly you can play Santa Claus!” I won’t tell you what I told her about her tip! But she’s right. Every time we are out somewhere, I catch some wide-eyed child really checking me out.

Even Grace. Mom was reading her a Christmas book when were up there and the last page had a picture of the jolly gent himself. Grace looked at the picture, then she looked up at me; she looked back at the picture and then she pointed at me!

I have even begun going “Ho, Ho, Ho” to some of the kids. Sometimes I want to say “I’m keeping a list – and you’re on it!” The other day in Central Market a kid was really acting up – so much so that other store patrons around him were commenting about his behavior. I really wanted to go up to the kid, point at my beard and say, “Do you know who I am? Do you know that I check up on naughty children?” But judging from the mom’s yuppie attire (and lack of restraint of her bratty kid) she probably would have sued me for perpetuating a myth and traumatizing her little dear.

The other day a friend called and asked me if I wanted a gig playing Santa at a bank opening – two six-hour Saturdays dandling kiddos in a hot Santa suit. I was so sorry that we were going to be in Fort Worth one Saturday and anywhere else I could think of the next. 

P.S. Mom just came in from shopping with... a Santa Hat for me. Anybody got a red suit?

Words to live by

Every family has them. Sayings or phrases that are deeply ingrained in the life and culture of the family. Sometimes they are trans-generational; other times they are born of contemporary experience. My mother always said, "Folks in Hell want ice water" in response to my many demands. Who among us has not heard: "If your friend jumped off a building, would you do that too?"

I coined "You can't walk and gawk"  in response to my stumbling over uneven sidewalks in Mexico City, and it is a phrase that  has continued to serve us in all our travels.

Our daughter introduced us to "Isn't that baby cold?" from her experiences in Prague. There, every one - even the nineteen-year old male museum attendant - is a Babushka, a grandmother, at least in heart, and no one hesitates to give child-rearing advice. We have discovered that this shared concern does not play out as well in the U.S. as it did in the Czech Republic.

"We've been wet (and cold) before"  was a catch-phrase from trekking in the Colorado mountains, where we were often wet. And cold. It allows us to apply the measure of relativity to our current condition, because we seldom get as wet and cold as we did then, so never mind.

"Toys break, balloons pop, the best players get to play and you're too old to cry" was standard child-rearing advice as our children were growing up, and has even been offered up in adulthood.

How many times has Barb counseled our kids - usually on the phone - to "take a long, slow, deep breath?"

How about you? What are the words you (and your family) live by?

Monday Meanderings - 12.13.10

Local billboard - a jewelry store advertising a large diamond pendent - "She'll reward you with the remote."

Looked out the back the other day and saw a LARGE limb leaning into my neighbor's tree. Hmmm. Look at that. My neighbor has a big limb that has fallen. Glad it's not one of my trees. You know the rest. The tree service will be out today to get MY big limb out of the neighbor's tree.

There is a large duck pond behind Mimi's Cafe here. Went there for breakfast the other day (Mimi's - not the pond) and found that some of the ducks had figured out that there's better eating by begging at Mimi's front door than hanging out back in the pond.

Did the sound for a pre-school program at church the other evening. I think I've mentioned before that I wish I had the money invested in video recorders and cameras that were present at that event.

There's news regarding Barb's anaphalaxis problem (when she passes out and takes an unscheduled nap on the dining room floor). There's a slight chance that chocolate is the culprit. Or maybe beef, lamb and pork. Or both. Barb is NOT happy about this development. Stay tuned.

The University of Texas zealously polices any use of logos, slogans, images, etc. that are linked to the University. By doing so, they generate more than 1.5 million dollars in trademark revenue each year - more than any other school. New high school? Want to name your team the Longhorns? Probably not. Not only is UT afraid they might lose some trademark revenue, this year they are afraid that some might confuse the two football programs.

Latest to join the hit list is a guy in Cedar Park who built a car wash and stood a big white 60-foot tower beside it. A tower that looks suspiciously like the 300-foot one in downtown Austin. It took UT lawyers less than a week to file against this infringement. Maybe they were afraid students would confuse the two and head for Cedar Park and then fail to show up for class. Or they might lose revenue on visitors to the top of the tower. At any rate, it looks like the guy will have to make like an Aggie and "saw the tower off."

Serve Out

Once again, it's time to time to empty out the photo files

These little guys are juice boxes. Clever

Take a long look at this picture and tell me if this is remarkable serendipity, or Photo Shop.

IH-35 in downtown Austin

A doomed relationship.

 

Pesky Chickadee!

Oh, this is a good idea.

 

This is not my owl.

Cat or Penguin?

Is this dog named Spot?

Choices, choices.

And the winner of the "Hey, look at this!" award

(Awarded posthumously, I might add)

Stories for my grandchildren - Basil Clemons

This photo of  downtown Breckenridge in 1920, which I first showed you in Stories for my grandchildren - Thurber Brick was taken by a man named Basil Clemons. Mr. Clemons was the resident commercial photographer in Breckenridge from about the beginning of the oil boom in 1920 until 1949. I was only eight years old when blindness ended his career, so I never knew about him from his photography business. What really stood out about Basil Clemons was that he lived in a wagon - think iron-wheeled Gypsy Caravan-type wagon - that was parked in a field on North Breckenridge Avenue.

There are various descriptions of the wagon - some say it was a gypsy wagon - others that it was originally a canvas-covered cook wagon from cattle drive days. I don't clearly remember and there does not appear to be a picture of it available. I do remember that there was a stove pipe on one side of the wagon and that there were wooden steps placed at one end. This was home, darkroom and office for Clemons, and he lived there until his death in 1964.

Clemons learned his art in Hollywood at the beginning of the movie era. Later, he trooped with the Tom Mix Wild West Show. In 1909 he departed for Alaska, recording in pictures gold discoveries in the Yukon River area. He introduced motion pictures to Alaskan residents by making and developing the first movies shown there. The Handbook of Texas writes about Clemons:

"In 1919, while traveling with a circus ... he headed west to Breckenridge. He chronicled on film every aspect of life in the small town as it boomed from oil production in 1920. When the oilfields declined, he remained and continued to photograph everyday happenings. His photographs included not only oil-derrick scenes, weddings, downtown display windows, rodeos, parades, and portraits of prominent citizens, but also funeral processions, Ku Klux Klan rallies, lakeside picnics, and the entire public school student body.

To develop photographs, he never measured the chemicals poured from jars. By tasting the finger he used to stir the mixture, he determined the correct proportions. He developed black-and-white and sepia-toned photographs. He also produced pictures on fabric and did hand-colored tinted prints. His skill was so perfected that he formulated a process for color developing before the Eastman Kodak Company. When he received a letter from Kodak in 1936, offering a fabulous amount, plus royalties, for his technique, Clemons had his teen-aged helper, Frank Pellizzari, Jr., type a refusal to the offer with the remark that the Kodak chemists should "figure it out for themselves." The trademark of his work was marking negatives with a fine pen and India ink so that the developed prints bore the subject label, date, and his signature in white lettering."

"Our Fire Chief - Heaven Bless Him for Doing the Best He Can With What He Has To Do With. In Front Of Another Notorious Breckenridge, Texas Fire 4-22-21."

The Pelizzari family were Italian immigrants who lived across the street from Clemons. They owned the shoe shop in town and I remember seeing Clemons sitting at that shop while Frank Junior and his father plied their trade.  After his death, the thousands of photos and negatives that were piled in Clemons' wagon were acquired and cataloged by the University of Texas at Arlington.

Monday Meanderings - 12.6.10

Last week I mentioned that I was emotionally surprised by the movie UP. Turns out I'm not alone. Ran across a blog this week that listed the 10 most depressing Disney movie moments.

10. Toy Story - Buzz Lightyear learns he's a toy
  9. Robin Hood - Skippy's coin gets tax collected
  8. The Fox and the Hound - Fox is abandoned
  7. Oliver and Company - kittens for sale
  6. Beauty and the Beast - Beast dies
  5. Dumbo - Dumbo visits his mother in the cage
  4. Bambi - the mother's death (traumatized since childhood)
  3. Wall-E - Wall-E's loneliness
  2. Lion King - Mufasa's death
And the number 1 most depressing movie - UP - "For the introduction to this “high-rise” comedy, the folks at Disney decided to build up the viewer’s expectations by showing a lifelong friendship and romance between Carl Fredrickson and his eventual wife. And once we’ve all become emotionally invested in the couple, the writers rip the rug out from under us."

Should I be concerned that the American Express bill arrived in a large flat envelope that cost $1.22 to mail and contained 12 pages front and back? And this BEFORE Christmas!

It seems that the target demographic for advertising on Monday Night Football is high-end luxury automobiles and bail-bondsmen. Is there a relationship there that I'm missing? And speaking of football, by ending the Boise State Broncos' BCS bowl hopes, the Nevada Wolf Pack cost themselves and every WAC team a million dollars each in BCS revenue. Not one to encourage immoral and illegal actions, but they probably should have just tanked.

On a sports role - any time you can hold a World Cup in a hot Middle East country that's smaller than Connecticut and has zero soccer tradition, you just have to do it. No truth to the rumor though that Cam Newton's dad brokered the deal with FIFA.

And this is a must-have toy for Christmas - the Avenging Unicorn Play Set:

"The set has everything you need to use the power of the unicorn to rid your life of irritations. Put the posable, 3-3/4'' tall, hard vinyl unicorn on a flat surface and then impale one of three 3-1/8'' tall, soft vinyl figures included. Also includes four interchangeable horns (classic spiral, chrome, glow and pearlescent)."

Brought to you by the company that also makes and sells "The Avenging Narwhal Play Set" featuring penguins and baby seals, and the  "Fairy Swatter" for when you are tired of those pesky magic fairies (includes 5 cling stickers of splattered fairy remains).

You can't make this stuff up, folks

Brother Bob's Traveling Salvation Show

The beginning of  Bob the Dog's adventures can be found here.

And the emphasis is on traveling. When I went back the next day to the field off North Lamar where Bob and his group had pitched their tent, literally, all I found was an empty lot. There were a lot of tire tracks and gouged-up real estate, but no trace of Bob, or anyone else, for that matter.

I tried the only phone number I had but it was out of service, so I e-mailed Bob and immediately got his "Out of Office" message:

Still on the road Re: Caught your show; need to talk

Bob Dog bobdog1215@gmail.com to me

G’day Mate;

No time to chat. Bob and the Back Yard Howlers are currently on tour and it's load in, do the show, load out, and back on the bus.

Back at you later.

I guess he needs to update his message.

However, a couple of days later, I got this email:

Crikey! You saw the service?

Bob Dog bobdog1215@gmail.com to me

G’day Mate;

Glad you stopped in. I wanted to come by the old howlin' grounds, but as it turned out, we had to nick off  in a bit of a hurry. In fact we came a cooee of getting a ride in the divvy van. I really thought the Austin coppers would cut us some slack, seeing as as how much good we were doing the locals, but some blokes get aggro at a little free enterprise, I guess.

I guess you saw in the journos that the tour was bollixed. Bugle Boy and I simply couldn't agree artistically, and I swear, the young Sheila that the Sheriff was inquiring about told me she was old enough! I guess it's all for the better, though. I've finally found my true calling!

We've fetched up in Lubbock; the blokes here seem to appreciate a little old-time religion.

Hallelujah!

Bob the Dog

So all you Lubbock readers keep a lookout for a big white tent in an empty field somewhere. And lock up your daughters.

...More about Bob? Who knows? It may depend on the police.

Keeping Austin Weird

There seems to be no end to unique characters in this town. We've talked about many of them, but a new guy popped up on the radar last week - the protest guy.

Currently, Eric Anderson (he may be a cousin or some other kin) has been standing on the side of various streets in Austin for the past few weeks, protesting lawyers while dressed in a pink pig costume that he bought online for $50. According to news stories, he's an old hand at the protesting business. About 20 years ago, he was a fixture at City Council meetings, dressed as a chicken. He was there so often that he doesn't even remember what he was protesting. He has also worn a Revolutionary War outfit, a vampire suit, a pirate suit and a "wicked judge" costume.

Anderson didn't say why he was protesting lawyers, but you probably don't need a specific reason. General principles is probably good enough.

I just hope he doesn't break some rule and need a lawyer to get him out of a jam.

Monday Meanderings 11.29.10

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and it was a fine, family-filled week. We shared the experience of being all together once again, and marveled at how the grandchildren have grown since last we saw them. We enjoyed many good things to eat, and Jana, Luke and Barb ended up chasing down a homeless person on Thanksgiving day in order to share some of our turkey and fixings.

Friday evening we drove out to the house of a young couple from church to see their lights. He decorates and lights houses professionally and had his house and yard covered in lights all rigged to blink in time to the music. It was very, very impressive - as well done as any example I've seen on the Internet.

And we watched UP - a movie I had wanted to see since it came out. I expected to cry - I'd had warnings to that effect. I didn't expect to be blind-sided as to the reason why.

Rob and Luke (and the rest of his family in varying degrees) have been active in the increasingly popular adventure of geo-caching. For those that don't know, geo-caching is a form of treasure hunting that uses clues and navigation to find "treasures" cached, or hidden by others. In it's simplest form, the finder simply adds his name to the list hidden in the cache container. There are many additions and variations from the simple version.

This past week Rob acquainted the rest of us to this activity. We went to a nearby greenbelt and used GPS coordinates to navigate to two cache locations; We (speaking inclusively, here) found one of the two caches. I might have to revisit the location of the one that eluded us. And there is one on a guard rail just a block away that I might have to go check out. Hmmmm.

And for all my friends that went deer hunting this weekend, perhaps this is why you didn't bag one:

He's back!

The beginning of  Bob the Dog's adventures can be found here.

The other evening, on the way back from The Home Depot out on on IH35, we stopped by Fresh Cup Yogurt.  I'm enjoying my cup of Bananas and Strawberry piled high with healthy fresh fruit, looking out the window at all the traffic on the back entrance to Wal Mart. Gradually it dawns on me that all this traffic is focused on the big field between Fresh Cup and the Golden Corral, which is normally nothing but a sea of grass but now boasts a very large tent and row after row of automobiles. Hmmm. Must be a carnival or maybe a circus or something.

Then I saw the sign.

Tent Revival and Healing Service Tonight! 

Reverend Bob - Evangelist and Healer

You don't suppose... surely not! I turned to Barb to say something and she's looking at me with alarm in her eyes. She is thinking the same thing I am.

"I'm going over there," I say.
"I'm staying right here," she says.

I walked over to the tent, swept up in a stream of people headed that direction; little old ladies, couples with kids, a flotilla of wheel chairs and a forest of crutches and walking canes. I push my way into the tent and take up a position in the back, against one of the poles. On the stage a band is playing "I'll Fly Away" and I'm pretty sure it's the guys from the Back Yard Howlers, only now they are wearing choir robes.

Bob is nowhere in sight but in a few minutes, the band starts in on a spirited rendition of  "Onward Christian Soldiers" and a Great Dane, who I think is Leroy, the bass player for the Howlers, takes the mike, begins a flowery introduction and sure enough, out comes Bob the Dog in a gold lame outfit so gaudy everyone in the first 2 rows had to put on dark glasses. Or maybe that's where all the blind people were seated.

Bob takes the microphone and starts working the crowd while the band is playing "Power in the Blood" softly in the background. I have to give him credit. The dog is good. He started out slow, in a melodic baritone - just a hint of the Australian accent and no slang - and gradually built up to a crescendo.

"In the hustle and bustle of daily life I wonder how many of us stop to think that in all that is highest and best we are ruled not by even our most up-and-coming efforts but by Love? What is Love--the divine Love of which the great singer teaches us in Proverbs? It is the rainbow that comes after the dark cloud. It is the morning star and it is also the evening star, those being, as you all so well know, the brightest stars we know. It shines upon the cradle of the little one and when life has, alas, departed, to come no more, you find it still around the quiet tomb. What is it inspires all great men--be they preachers or patriots or great business men? What is it, mates, but Love? Ah, it fills the world with melody, with such sacred melodies as we have just indulged in together, for what is music? What, my friends, is music? Ah, what indeed is music but the voice of Love!"

I'm impressed. That part about "love is the morning and evening star" is, is... Familiar. I've heard that before, I just can't remember where. By this time the band is playing "Shall we gather at the River" and Bob has moved through the body of his sermon and into the exhortation.

"Oh, my brothers,  are you going to put off repentance till it's too late? That's your affair, you say. Is it? Is it? Have you a right to inflict upon all that you hold nearest and dearest the sore burden of your sins? Do you love your sins better than that dear little son, that cherished daughter, that loving brother, that saintly old mother? Do you want to punish them? Do you? Don't you love some one more than you do your sins? If you do, stand up. Isn't there some one here who wants to stand up and help his brother or sister carry this gospel of great joy to the world? Won't you come? Won't you help me? Oh, come! Come down and let me shake your hand!"

And before he's through, people are trampling each other to get down the aisles!

I left before the healing service began, and on the way back to Fresh Cup, I remembered. Elmer Gantry!  Sophomore English. The whole thing - every word - is straight out of Elmer Gantry!

Oh, Bob! Now you've really done it.

...Oh yeah! This will be continued.

The mystery album

 During the great carpet caper we unloaded all the albums and CDs from the very heavy entertainment center. During the put-back, Barb came across a mystery album - a set of four 78rpm records in a generic binder.

First, maybe I need to explain what a 78rpm record is, for the younger set. Um... maybe I need to start by explaining what a record is. You know, those things that provided music before CDs. You do remember CDs, don't you? Okay, I'll just say that 78s are very old technology. One song per side, 3 minutes max. You played them on record players, devices where you stacked records up on a spindle.... Never mind.

Anyway, this album of 4 ancient-technology records showed up in our collection of LPs (which are themselves antiques). And we have no earthly idea where they came from. And the mystery deepens when you look at the artists and the songs.

Cal Tinney: "Life Gets Tee-Jus, Don't it?" and "I Wish I Had A Dad"
Jimmy and Leon Short: "Move It On Over" and "Kentucky"
Tex Williams: "Smoke, Smoke Smoke that Cigarette" and "RoundUp Polka"
Homer and Jethro: "I'm Moving On No 2" and "So Long No 2" 

I had to Google Cal Tinney and the Short brothers; Tex Williams and Homer and Jethro I was familiar with. By the way, if you are really bored, here are YouTube links to  "Move it On Over" and "Smoke, Smoke Smoke that Cigarette"

As for Homer and Jethro, they were masters at poking fun at the music of the day with parody versions of popular songs. For example the original version of "I'm Moving On" written and made famous by Hank Snow starts off with:

That big eight-wheeler rolling down the track
means your true-lovin' daddy aint coming back.
Cause I'm moving on, I'm rollin' on.
You were flying too high for my little sky,
So I'm movin' on.

Homer & Jethro's version starts:

The old hound dog was feelin' fine
Till he fell in a barrel of turpentine
He's a-movin' on, he's a-movin' on
He passed the gate, like an eighty-eight
He's a-movin' on.

And finishes with:

We travel a lot to make our showin'
The way we sing we have to keep on goin'
We're a-movin' on, we're a-movin' on
We've gotta go, here comes Hank Snow
We're a-movin' on.

They just don't write them like that anymore!

But the real issue is - WHERE DID THESE VINTAGE RECORDS COME FROM?

Anyone? Anyone?

Monday Meanderings 11.22.10

Very Important Announcement!

I have the answer to the airport screening brouhaha!

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will NOT X-ray you, but WILL detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on...or in your body. Naturally, the explosion is contained within the sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be no racial profiling and the booth would eliminate long and expensive trials. This is so simple it's brilliant ! ! !

I can see it now - you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system. "Attention...standby passengers, we now have a seat available on Flight Number........."

You're welcome.

And my solution is just in time. Making the rounds of the Internet is the following press release:

John Pistole, the head of the Transportation Security Administration, announced yesterday that full body scanners at airports across the nation will be seamlessly integrated with Facebook next month, allowing travelers to save, tag, and share their near-naked security photos with friends, family, and co-workers through the popular social networking site. Immediately after being subjected to a scan, the traveler’s photo will be automatically uploaded to a public album on Facebook and tagged accordingly. According to Pistole, this cutting-edge integration will allow travelers to stay more connected than ever with their social networks, letting Facebook users know when their friends have made it through airport security and if they are secretly smuggling weapons in real time.

We've grown used to hearing the "third down bell" provided by various teams across the country, but there was a new wrinkle in a game we watched the other night. We kept hearing a "beep - beeep - beeep" like a truck backing up. Turns out the home team plays that sound whenever their opponents get a penalty and get "backed up."

Next door to my Optometrist's office is that of a vet who deals with eye problems for pets. I wonder how that works?

"Can you read the bottom line?

"Arf, woof, yip, bark, arf."
"Okay. Now put your paw over the other eye. "

Got my certificate for 374 volunteer hours from Recording for the Blind and Dyslexic. Verbally.

And I leave you with a big FAIL.

Keeping Austin Weird

Just last week I mentioned Leslie, Austin's most iconic weird person and lo and behold he's back in the news again. Well, at least his picture is.

It seems that there is a local artist who has begun what he calls his "Homeless Project" - paintings of local homeless folk in their natural settings, and you can actually purchase these paintings. How would this look in your living room? Surprise your spouse with this and you, too could be homeless.

This really captures Leslie in an unusually understated manner, don't you think?  By the way , the dude on the left is the artist, Michael Peschka, the same guy who did the statue of Maria Corbalan, owner of Maria's Taco Xpress on S. Lamar Blvd., the statue that shows her with her arms thrown in the air.

According to the AAS, Peschka is doing paintings of homeless people in hopes of selling them and giving money to charities that help the homeless, such as Mobile Loaves & Fishes and Art 4 the Homeless. So far, he's done nine homeless paintings and sold one for $80 — of a bearded "veteran" in a raggedy tank top at Interstate 35 and Oltorf Street. His medium of choice is cardboard. He says that adds an authentic touch to the portraits.

If you are interested, Peschka's portraits are on display at Maria's Tacos. And the asking price for Leslie's portrait? $2,500. I think for that much money I would insist on the subject being attired in his less formal attire. Especially the tiera.

BTW, if you are wondering about Bob the Dog, the word is that he has abandoned the tour and members of his band say they haven't seen him for a couple of weeks now. That can't be good. I'm keeping a close watch on the yard next door.

Finder's Keepers

Prominent in the news the other day was news of the auction of of an old Chinese vase found in the attic of a London home. That vase, sold by a family clearing out a deceased relative's house, went to a buyer for 51.6 million British pounds. That's $83,000,000 in US dollars! Eighty-three million!! The sellers, the sister and nephew of a deceased elderly woman, found the vase clearing out her "very modest home" in a London suburb. It had been in the family at least since the 1930s, though no one knows how it was acquired.

My first thought was what might I have acquired when my parents cleared out the house in Breckenridge? Any sleepers in the keepsakes that found a home with us? Let's see... there's a dining room set that, while nice furniture, won't bring any interest at Sotheby's. Same with the cedar chest. Oh wait! There's the glass egg that a teacher gave my father when he was a child. Nearly a century old, that's got to be worth...uh...let's see... $14.95 plus shipping for a comparable egg on EBay! Sigh.

But all is not lost. I see a great deal of value in hinting broadly that there is a similarly valuable artifact hidden in our attic! An attic that I have no intention of cleaning out, but one that must someday be emptied of its treasures. See, treasures, that's the operative word! Who knows what uber-valuable trinket reposes up there? Only one way to find out. Haul it all down and see what we've got. Or did I put it in the shelves in the garage?

Happy Hunting!

Monday Meanderings - 11.15.10

Began our ?? (26th, we think - possibly even longer) season of following the Lady Longhorns. Friday night was a leave-by-half-time night (final score was 92-60). Unfortunately, with Baylor, Oklahoma, and A&M on the schedule, they will not all turn out that way.

We usually start our ball games with a Poke Jo's sandwich, served in the Fast Break Club downstairs at the Erwin Center. Get there early enough to get a good parking place, have a little BBQ, listen to one of the assistant coaches talk about tonight's game and then wander upstairs for the main event. Dining in the Fast Break club is an interesting experience. You have to be a member with a badge, which we are, and you get your badge scanned when you go in - and you get your badge scanned when you go out! I've asked why they badge you in and out, but I only get a generic answer about crowd control. There are attendants at every door in the room, so it's not like you are going to be able to sneak out into the back halls of the Erwin Center. I guess they are afraid you'll hide under a table instead of going upstairs to the game. Who knows? This is Austin.

Fall showed up this weekend. Granted, Austin is not known as a Fall showcase, but there is enough color and variety to make it interesting. Up to this point everything was pretty normal and then zap! - there's a lot of color in the trees and shrubs. Quite nice.

Okay, this is sort of long, but if you have seen the original Star Wars movies, this might be amusing to you.

Keeping Austin...uh, Texas... weird

Did you know that you can get your very own personalized license plate in Texas? No, not a standard-issue plate with custom characters or numbers like "EX TXS FAN." The whole plate design can be one of your choosing. Or one of someone else's choosing. Like this one:

Now we like Mighty Fine burgers. They are on the Texas Monthly 50 Greatest Hamburgers In Texas list (now that's a list I can relate to). Some members of this family (who do not live in this State) have even embraced them over In-N-Out offerings. But would you want your license plate to promote Mighty Fine the year round? Before you say no, consider that there is some largess involved - $100 in store currency for each year you keep the plate.

The Great and Sovereign State of Texas, for the modest sum of $5,000, will allow companies (and I suppose individuals) to design and offer completely custom plates. RE/Max, Ford Motor Company and Vestas wind energy company have already done so. And Now Mighty Fine.

Mind you, individuals still have to fork over money to the State; depending on a plate's customization level and expiration date, drivers pay from $55 to $595 for a personalized 10-year plate. My Plates, the company that markets the plates, and which also sells custom plates for nonprofits and Texas universities, has sold more than 28,000 license plates of this nature to date, raising about $2.1 million for the state's general revenue fund. And that's before the opportunity we now have to attach a cheeseburger to our vehicle. Who needs a State income tax when we have fine revenue programs like this?

So, I'm thinking. Who out there would go for their own "Retired In Austin" license plate? I think I see an opportunity here, but I'm not sure how to cash in on it.

Does anybody really know what time it is?

Have I mentioned that I really, really dislike Daylight Savings time? That it makes as much sense as cutting a strip off the blanket to sew onto the other end? That it long ago lost its reason for being - as a means to aid the war effort. The World War One war effort. That, according to a number of studies, it actually increases the use of energy, not decreases it? Well, it helps the farmers, you say. No, farmers hate it. Farmers, who must wake with the sun no matter what time their clock says, are greatly inconvenienced by the change.

There's all the psychological effect of getting up in the dark, or coming home in the dark, and the biological adjustments, and the dragging around for days until you get used to the change, especially in the Spring. But the biggest problem is CHANGING ALL THE BLINKING CLOCKS! Well, okay, just the one on the VCR actually blinks and I admit I don't ever set it. But let's just inventory the clocks and what it takes to adjust them:

Kitchen
Microwave - <1 minute (they should all be this easy; press a maximum of 6 buttons)
Oven - 1 minute (cycle back to the previous hour on a 12 hour clock twice because you overrun it the 1st time))
Coffee Maker - 3 minutes (figure out which buttons to hold and cycle back through 24 hours)
Wall clock - 4 minutes (30 seconds to change, 3 1/2 minutes to get it to hang on the wall again)

Bedrooms
4 clocks - 12 minutes (3 - cycle back 24 hour clocks, one old fashioned move the hands)

Cars
My car - 1 minute  (clearly labeled buttons, 12 hour clock)
Barb's car - 60 minutes  (55 minutes to find the instruction manual, 4 minutes to decide which button is which and 1 to change a 12 hour clock)

Miscellaneous
2 wrist watches - 2 minutes
Lawn sprinkler - 5 minutes (okay, I really don't change this one, but if I had to figure out how...)
Answering machine - 60 minutes looking for the manual, and if I could find it another 5 to change it)
Blood glucose monitors - 10 minutes looking up the instructions, 2 each for 2 meters

Two hours and 48 minutes. Okay, let's be generous and take the instructional manual searches out and round down to 45 minutes total. Folks, the US Census estimates that there are 114,825,428 households in the US right now. That's 86,119,071 hours frittered away; more than 9,830 person-years! We're not ever going to get that time back, people!  And we've got to do it all over in the Spring! And don't get me started on what it costs businesses to make this change!!

All I've got to say is thank goodness that all the computers, iTouches, phones and cable boxes auto set, because I would still be looking for the manuals.

How many clocks do you have? And how long does it take to change them?

Monday Meanderings - 11.8.10

Keeping Austin weird: In previous posts I have mentioned Leslie, a veritable Austin Icon known for his attire (or lack thereof) and frequent Mayoral candidacy. He's so well-known he even has his own Wikipedia entry. More recently there was the thong guy, and the Wal Mart guy. I now need to add Running Guy to the list.

On the corner of North Lamar and Rundberg there is a grassy median between the HEB parking lot and the street. We go by there often because our nearest public library is across the street. That median is where Running Guy is in training for the Olympics, assuming that the 25 yard dash is now an Olympic event. He's there every time we go by (which is pretty darn often, given our reading habits) ear-buds in place, sprinting up a slight incline for a distance of about 25 yards, then jogging back down the median and doing it again. And again. And again. Sometimes he sings and dances a little. But mostly he sprints. Gotta love this town.

It can be very disturbing to see a large man coming across the parking lot at you, swearing loudly. Fortunately, I saw the little Bluetooth phone gadget in his ear - just before I turned and ran screaming like a little girl.

He said, after running a couple of errands: "I can mark those places off my '100 places I gotta go' list."
She said: "But we go there all the time, and besides, isn't it a 1000 places?"
He said: "I don't know how much longer I have, so I'm making the list short and very easy."

Little known facts:  In most elevators installed since the early 1990s, the “close door” button has no effect. Otis Elevator engineers confirmed the fact to the Wall Street Journal in 2003. In 2004 the New York Times reported that more than 2,500 of the 3,250 “walk” buttons in New York intersections do nothing. “The city deactivated most of the pedestrian buttons long ago with the emergence of computer-controlled traffic signals, even as an unwitting public continued to push on.” I thought you knew.

Port A was at the top of its game this past weekend. The beach  was as clean and inviting as we've ever seen it - no sea weed, no jelly fish. Perfect weather and really nice seafood to boot. Doesn't get any better.

While sitting on the balcony of the condo we see this little red car zipping around the corner from the beach road to the street that runs beside the condo. A guy gets out and climbs up on a dune and the little red car drives off. In a minute we hear the car, really revving it. It turns off the beach, wheels spinning, and slides in the sand in a nice four-wheel drift while the guy on the dune takes pictures. When the dust settles, the car comes back, picks up the photographer and they drive off, mission accomplished.

Have a good week.

The Adventures of Bob the Dog - End of a career?

The beginning of  Bob the Dog's adventures can be found here.
 
I just finished reading an interview with Bob in City Dog/Country Dog magazine. He says he is over his disappointment that his first CD, "Blue Lonesome" was a colossal failure. Evidently Bob and his band, the Back Yard Howlers, are one hit wonders. He received the Country Dog Association Newcomer of the Year Silver Dish award for "I'm so lonesome I could Howl: - his single - but other songs like "I'm panting for you baby" and "Howling at the streetlight" are not to the public's liking. Bob said and that his best yodeling was yet to come, so he was not discouraged and he and the band were headed out for a big national tour and expected sell-out crowds.

Unfortunately, the word is that things are not going well on Bob's first (and perhaps final) big tour. He and his band, started out well - I hear Nutbush Tennessee sold out in in less than 6 hours – but other venues have not been so kind. Ticket sales are slow and crowds are sparse. It may have something to do with the fact that Bob failed to show up for a couple of concerts and has "behaved erratically" when he does make it on stage . The tour sponsor, Bugle Boy Dog Food, is reported ready to pull the plug.

But, true to his word, I received a money order today that paid off Bob’s “tab” – including the cost of the IDA counseling and the vet bill. He enclosed a note that said he had me to thank for getting him started on his career in the music business.

Not so sure about the career, but thanks for the money, Bob.

...to be continued. Maybe.

Stories for my grandchildren -Pinball Wizard

When I was in high school, I owned a pinball machine. A real, lights-flashing, bell-ringing, score-keeping, put a quarter-in-to-play pinball machine. Now, I think my older grandchildren understand the concept  of the pinball machine, but I'm pretty sure they have never seen an actual pinball machine, let alone played the silver balls. There are electronic versions of the pinball game, and probably even an app for that, so playing the game may be familiar - but, I realized sadly today the actual machines are no longer around.

I came to this realization after recently hearing Pinball Wizard from the rock opera Tommy (by the Who) on XM satellite radio. The DJ - who normally says next to nothing - said he had seen an article in the Wall Street Journal about how hard it was to find someone to repair pinball machines. I checked out the article and found that the machines in need of repair are all owned by collectors, and while there may be thousands of the machines still out there, they are, for the most part, all in private hands, or in museums. There may be a few old machines in the corner of an arcade somewhere, and there seem to be some clubs where they hold tournaments on beautifully restored games, but when was the last time you touched an actual machine in the wild?

I was reminded also, that pinball machines have a checkered past; they were once illegal, branded as gambling devices by many states and municipalities (including Breckenridge). It was not until the mid-'70's that most of the laws were repealed, so I am guessing that I technically may have been a scofflaw. I guess that's not something I should include in a blog intended for my grandchildren, though, is it? Oh well. As if that were the only skeleton in the closet!

My machine sat outside a gas station, in the rain and the sun, for quite a while before I finally persuaded the owner to let me have it. I think he did so only to get rid of me. I stopped and bugged him asked about that machine every week or so for about a year. When he finally relented and I got it home, it was in pretty bad shape. Fortunately, the glass over the playing surface had protected the deck from the elements somewhat; the real problem was the rust and corrosion of the wiring and electrical components, There were no electronics - solenoids and stepping relays made it work. These devices, however, I knew how to repair and replace, so I got the machine in pretty good working order.

The big pluses of having your own machine? 1) You didn't have to pay to play. Think arcade games  - not Play Station. 2) You could jam the lead weight that registered TILT if you put too much English on the game. 3) You got very good at pinball. Robert Oglesby, (the senior Robert) was the preacher in Breckenridge at that time, and lived across the street. He would sneak over make a clergy visit from time-to-time and engage me in a little game or two. He always lost, but then, where would a CofC preacher get proficient at the game in those days?

So what happened to my pinball machine? I went off to college and my Mom kicked it out of the house, and there was this kid who kept stopping by and bugging her about it...

Monday Meanderings - 11.1.10

On breezy days, such as those we're having now, when you enjoy your coffee on the patio you have to keep your hand over your cup else you end up with leaf tea instead of coffee. And watch out for the falling pecans!

If you look up "stoner" in the dictionary you will find a picture of San Francisco Giants ace pitcher, Tim Lincecum. Just saying...

We are replacing some 20-year old carpet, and the guy from the store came to measure the other day. We showed him the area and he pulled out his little laser measure and pointed the red dot here and there, tapped in the measurements on his tablet computer and drew the floor plan on that device in seconds. The next morning he e-mailed us the floor plan diagram, the cutting pattern and the quote. Gotta love technology!

Thought about Julie and her pumpkin patch field trip the other morning. We were on our way somewhere and saw a herd of little people (and some big people) at the corner of Lamar and Braker. They had walked from McBee Elementary and were waiting for the nice policeman to stop traffic so they could get the long line of kids across Lamar safely; they were on their way to the pumpkin patch at St Marks Methodist on Braker. On our way home, we saw the same activity in reverse - Mr. Policeman helping them on the homeward trek. Count carefully, teachers - don't want anyone left hiding amongst the pumpkins.

Sign on a septic tank pumper truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

He said: "I'm going to Breed Hardware."
She said" "Can you find your way to Breed Hardware?"
He said: "It's on Twenty-something off the Drag."
She said: "Wait. I need to go with you."

 And the reason I wanted to go to Breeds? To get a pecan picker-upper. Like this: And I'm happy to say that it works wonderfully. No more bending and squatting to pick up pecans! Just walk around and snap them up.

We've got a pretty good pecan crop here on the homestead this year. Not so much in quantity, but in quality. This year's pecans are fully-formed and firm. Good eating. And no more aching back.

Now I just need something to relieve the aching hands and chafed fingers from shelling the pecans I didn't have to stoop over to pick up.


 On our trips to Walmart we regularly encounter a person we have dubbed "the Walmart Guy." He wanders around the store in Longhorn regalia announcing loudly to no one in particular how the team is going to fare in Saturday's game. For some reason no one seems interested in stopping and discussing the game - or any thing else - with him. I guess the current losing streak has put him off UT game proclamations. This week he was loudly describing how scary he was going to look for Halloween. He's got a pretty good head start, if you ask me.

And here's a parting salute to Halloween:

Sunday Special - Jack O Lanterns

There is an overwhelming display of carved pumpkins in the Internet. Here are a few I thought interesting.

 Don't know what this had to do with Halloween, but it's well carved.

 Death Star anyone?

 Oh, no, Mr Bill!

And there's even one for you WVU fans

The Adventures of Bob the Dog – the First Single

The beginning of  Bob the Dog's adventures can be found here.

Bob the Dog and his band – The Back Yard Howlers – have released a single that’s beginning to get a lot of airplay. Frankly, I’m surprised. I thought yodeling was pretty much a thing of the past, but Bob sings some too. It’s interesting that when he sings there’s no trace of the Aussie accent. I’ve heard the song and it’s not that bad. Sort of a throwback to the days of Jimmie Rodgers, but I’m guessing that’s before your time.

The song is titled “I’m So Lonesome I Could Howl” and the last I saw it had been given an “8 kibbles” rating by City Dog/Country Dog magazine. In an accompanying article, Bob’s agent said that the band was in the studio working on their first album.

Meanwhile there’s been a lot of bad press about Bob in the newspapers and entertainment news.  Why am I not surprised? It seems he’s been accused of yodeling in the wrong back yards, among other things. He denies it, and says that it’s just “yammering from some jealous bitzers, and that he’s living on the true.” I'm not so sure about that.

One news item quoted the manager of the Opreyland Hotel as saying, "Bob has certainly worn out his welcome with us. We try to be sensitive to the the needs of guests, but repeatedly diving off the 4th floor balcony into the atrium pool is not behavior that we can condone or permit."

In the mean time, Entertainment Tonight says a French Poodle named Yvette has obtained a restraining order from the Davidson County Sheriff's Office, which bans Bob from coming within 100 feet of her. Bob claims that it's a case of mistaken identity - she's got him confused with some other bloke.

This is not my dog.

...to be continued

It was the demons who saw him first.

When his boat was just a speck far out on the water they became agitated, and when the demons got agitated my life became a living hell.

But then, it always was the demons in control. Even as a boy they would seize me and make me do unimaginable things. When I was small, my parents could control me, could hold me down until the seizures stopped, but as I grew older and stronger, so did the demons. At first my family locked me in a storage room and pushed food in through a little window, but I was soon able to kick the door down and whenever I got free I would destroy everything in the house. Every jar, every chair, every garment. Then they tried chains and shackles, but the demons simply broke them, so they tried stronger chains and more chains, and posted guards, but it didn’t do any good. No chain was as strong as the forces within me. No man could restrain me. At that point they drove me out of the village. It took every man in the village to do it. Maybe some of you were part of that crowd.

Do you know what it’s like to live like an animal? No, worse than an animal. Much worse. A naked, raving lunatic, living out in the hills among the tombs, howling at the moon all night, screaming at the top of my lungs all day, raging at any and everyone who comes near. I cannot tell you how many times I tried to kill myself, but the demons wouldn’t let me. I would cut myself with sharp stones and bash my head with rocks, but they would never let me finish the job. Evil spirits were in control of my body and my life. Maybe some of you knew me then, remember what I was like. Maybe you threw stones at me. Maybe I threw stones at you.

Then one day he sailed his boat right up to the shore and stepped out and said something to the demons and suddenly they weren’t raging – they were terrified. They began shrieking and wailing and they made me run down to the shore to him, and then they threw me down at his feet. And then the strangest thing happened: they called the man Jesus, Son of the most high God, and they begged him not to torture them! They begged him! The demons that snapped chains and cast off shackles and broke the bones of those who tried to restrain me groveled at his feet and begged for mercy!

He asked them their name and in a thousand voices they replied, “My name is legion, there are so many of us.” Then they begged him to let them go into the herd of pigs that was on the opposite hill, and when he told them “Go!” it was like every fiber of my being was ripped from my body. But when they were gone, for the first time in my life, I felt at peace. I felt whole. I felt like a human being again. I began to kiss the feet of this man, but he had me sit up, and someone handed me a garment, and then he began to talk to me about the most wonderful things.

Everyone else was watching the pigs running down the hill to the bluff and plunging into the sea, but he was looking only at me; talking only to me. I tried to tell him what my life had been like, but it was like it had never happened. Instead, he began telling me what my new life was going to be like, and it was wonderful.

We were still talking when some of the town’s people came running up to see what the commotion was. They saw me and immediately picked up rocks and stones to drive me away, but when they saw that I was just sitting there, having a normal conversation, you should have seen their jaws drop!

It got ugly after that. When they saw what had happened to the pigs, to their livelihood, they wanted no part of Jesus, Son of the most high God. Some begged him to leave; some even threatened him if he didn’t, so he got back in the boat. I begged him to take me with him. I wanted to serve this man for the rest of my life. I wanted to be his slave! But he wouldn’t let me. He told me to go tell my story, so that’s why I’m here.

I am here to tell you that I was already dead – worse than dead – and he gave me life. He defeated my demons and set me free, and he can do the same for you. He is stronger than whatever possesses you; he can defeat whatever drives you. I beg you, find this man and fall at his feet and acknowledge that he is Jesus, Son of the most high God, and ask him to release your demons.

He did it for me. He will do it for you.