The Sleep Study

Or, How I spent the worst night of my life and paid a bunch of money to do it!

I previously mentioned that Barb had a sleep study done and now has a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine to keep her company through the night. What I might not have mentioned was this was a twofer deal. I will if you will. So she did, and now it's my turn.

I have known for some time that I was a prime candidate for sleep apnea - the condition where you stop breathing for a short period of time until the brain says, "Hey, you! Take a deep breath!" Turns out that this is not good for you from a number of standpoints. And the snoring that usually accompanies this condition is not good for marital bliss and spousal accord. Though I deny that I snore. I've never heard myself snore, so I'm sure I don't. Nevertheless, a deal is a deal and last Thursday I had a sleep study done.

Why they call them sleep studies is beyond me. Nobody gets any sleep during this procedure; I sure didn't, and the little man that conducted the study didn't either. Can you imagine staying up all night just to watch someone try to sleep? And if they do sleep, you get to hear them snore! But I digress.

Getting ready for one of these studies is not a trivial process, and takes about an hour of preparation. The first order of business was to measure my head from a number of different perspectives and use the measurements to determine where to draw little guidelines with a red marker. It's sort of like the survey crew you see on the roadside, where the guy with the little can of red paint makes a bunch of strange-looking marks on the ground. This was all to determine where to place the electrodes to pick up my brain waves. Good luck with that.

Survey marks in place, the technician then began to place various other electrodes on different parts of my body. Two on each leg, four around the neck area, two more for each upper arm. But unlike what you may have experienced in electrode placement - say, for an EKG, where the nurse slaps a big sticky patch on you - these electrodes are placed only after careful cleansing and defoliation of the skin. This is done with industrial strength sandpaper, or perhaps it was a wire brush. I couldn't see what he was using, I only felt it.

Once abraded, a liberal dose of super glue was applied, and then the electrode, and then the whole thing was taped down! Evidently, the tossing and turning that is part of the actual sleepless study can displace poorly placed electrodes. My electrodes were not poorly placed. Next a velcro belt around the stomach with a few electronic sensors in place. Perhaps these were to listen to my stomach gurgle. Then another belt around the chest, with more sensors. No doubt these were to check the heart and determine the exact moment in time that I expire.

Back to the survey marks and more abrading, flensing and super gluing to attach a half-dozen sensors on my skull (including one in the middle of my forehead) ; two more on the sides of my head to detect eye movement, a couple on the jaw, one on each ear (!) a microphone taped securely on my larynx and a couple of tubes stuffed up my nostrils and taped in place. I am now ready for bed!

By my count, I now had more than twenty sensors permanently affixed to my body, gathered in an umbilical cord that plugged into a large "jack box" which in turn was cabled to the monitoring computer. "Uh, excuse me." "Couldn't you have thought of that before we started?"

Now it's lights out and I'm tucked in and I'm supposed to be able to sleep. Not. Going. To. Happen. I toss. I turn. I try this side, then the other side. Ouch! My middle-of-the-forehead cable is snagged around my pillow. What's that lump under my arm? I think that's the sensor that's supposed to be in the middle of my chest. My back hurts. My hips hurt. My legs are killing me. Oh, no. My leg is having spasms! I've got Restless Leg Syndrome, and I wrote down on the questionnaire that I don't. This bed is too hard; where's the sleep-number control? Oops. Now I'm lying on the box springs; how do I get it pumped back up? Dang, that's loud. I wonder if the technician is uploading this to YouTube? It's been two hours, and I haven't dozed off yet. How can we measure my sleep apnea if I never fall asleep? "ROBERT. I NEED YOU TO TRY SLEEPING ON YOUR BACK." Sweet Louise! Scare a guy to death! Okay, Okay, I'm on my back. I need a pillow under my legs. There's another pillow on the other side of the room, but I'm chained to this bed. "THANK YOU. YOU CAN SLEEP IN ANY POSITION NOW." Stop that! Just when I'm dropping off to sleep... Who am I trying to kid? It's too hot. Now I'm freezing. Is it morning yet? Please, oh please? It's only 11:45!! Just shoot me! Please. "ROBERT, IT'S 7:30. TIME TO GET UP."

You want to know the good news? This was part one of a two-part study. I get to do the second part once the electrode-placement areas have healed properly.